JUMBLE

My head is such a jumble of thoughts and emotions. Like, beyond what I've ever experienced. I'm going to chill the fuck out this weekend with my mom and sister by my side and forget everything else until Sunday evening, when I have to prep for a week of strategizing, decision making, roommate hunting, etc etc.

2011 is REALLY forcing me to be an adult. I'm handling it well, all things considered. I'm proud of myself. But oh man this is intense.

Oh, gosh.

This weekend has been a doozy for me, the first doozy in quite awhile.

I was doing real well, hanging out in my Loz Feliz pad, found my yoga studios, found my people, developing friendships, got my job, starting seeing someone....

All was well.

Then, I had to to move. I had to move because the sublet was over, and I had to move because 15 miles in LA = 1 hour commute to work. That's 2 hours of my life & a lot of gas money that is not worth it. I found a cheaper apartment on the west side (Mar Vista/Venice) and moved in very quickly.

I'm still not settled in my room, and to be quite honest I was/am resisting it a little bit.

The biggest thing I feel right now is DISCOMFORT, and after being plagued with discomfort, then finally feeling comfortable and being so proud of myself for finding that comfort, I was/am really displeased with the reignition of this feeling.

Additionally, I've been running around like a crazy person for the past two weeks. I was doing a REALLY good job of keeping myself busy sans work, apparently, because once you throw in the 40 hrs a week and commuting and trying to keep my wits about me, I was SLAMMED and EXHAUSTED.

Something I am extremely grateful for is that during this time that I was so busy, an added "busy thing" was that I've been seeing this guy. Because I was so busy, I didn't have time to stress out TOO much over the first several dates, and consequently things have been very easy going. However, this past weekend I totally had a self esteem meltdown and while he is not aware of it, and that is a good thing, I feel kind of bad about the whole thing. The ball is in his court currently, though, and I look forward to the next time I see him. Hopefully it will be sooner than later.

Gotta keep on truckin' on, truckin' on indeed.

What the what!

Man, shit is happening for me. I feel this incredible sense of accomplishment after spending this summer really coming into my own as an adult and taking responsibility for my thoughts, emotions, actions, and reactions. I've had my rough days, but ultimately I've had an amazing summer where I learned what it is to truly be grateful and practice gratitude in everyday life and understand how blessed I am.

I admit I only recently had begun to accept my position as unemployed and understand that I was going to have to practice patience to the utmost degree. I think I had JUST gotten to that point my head mid last week. I won't say I was perfect - in fact, the story of how I got this job involves a grumpy, crappy mood.

But nonetheless, there has been a lot of growth, a lot of humbling moments, and a lot of learning going on this summer. And I am happy about that.

So here is the basic story of how I got my job. Yes, it's true! I have a job. It makes me nervous to say this, as I am paranoid something will come along and yank it away from me, but I don't think that will happen, I start on Monday and I am thrilled.

Two weeks ago, I posted a situation wanted ad on Cynopsis out of desperation. I was contacted by two recruiters and a woman looking for some office organization/computer tutoring. I spent last week speaking with recruiters and working with the woman, made some extra cash and then was sent on an interview by one of the recruiters. However, it wasn't in the film industry - it was an advertising agency, but as I explained to her I am open to work outside of the industry and not sure if it is what I ultimately want to do in my life. Long story short, I went on the interview and it went really well, but I left it ultimately with a bad taste in my mouth because I felt like I was probably going to get an offer but that I really wasn't sure if I wanted to take it. The job seemed, quite frankly, to be pretty boring and the people at the company seemed somewhat dim. But it seemed like it MIGHT be a good starting point for a career, and it was somewhat related to television.

I spent the rest of the day sort of grumpy and frustrated, feeling like I was stuck in a weird space where if they offered me a job, I couldn't really refuse, but unsure of what I wanted to do with myself. Then, around 6pm that evening, an e-mail popped up in my inbox with the subject "job opening". It was from someone saying they recently received my resume, gave a job description, and asked me to call if I was interested. It was a job at a below the line management company, and relief flooded over me as I got this weird sense that this job was perfect for me.

I called the guy about 15 minutes later, he sounded surprised to hear from me, said something about interviews happening next week, and we scheduled a time. The next day, he pushed my interview back a day by e-mail. A part of me felt mildly discouraged - didn't they know this was the perfect job for me? But the other part of me felt like I needed to rev it up and really bring it to the interview, because this WAS the perfect job and they needed to know it.

It is worth noting in the midst of this, I also was setting up an interview to temp for a week and a half at a  small production company. I went in and interviewed for that on Monday, and it went incredibly well, the girl was ready to hire me on the spot but told me she'd be in touch. My interview for the management co was Tuesday morning, and I spent most of Monday dealing with that other interview, checking out a couple of potential new places to live, and having uber amounts (and wonderful amounts!) of phone time with M.

Tuesday morning rolled around, I drove out to Santa Monica, hung out on the promenade for a bit to kill time, then made the trek up to the offices. I walked in to my new boss EXCITED to see me, saying "Dawn's here!" and my other new boss on video chat on his laptop. The interview was great, I felt good about the people, they seemed chill and down to earth and made me laugh. They respected and appreciated my experience and background, and I was able to pitch to them several things I would bring to the table.

I walked out of there an hour later, feeling like I probably had the job. I got the call 3 or 4 hours later with the offer, and I accepted on the spot. [About an hour later I was also offered that temp job, which I obviously turned down.]

Anyway, I'm super excited about this. The pay is horrible, but I am aware that I can deal with very little income and be okay, after this summer. I will be okay. I am positive that I can bring a LOT to this company and I hope that soon we will be growing due to my help and therefore I will be in a position to get a raise eventually.

In other good news, I had a first date this past saturday with a guy who messaged me on OKC about a week ago. It was a really good night, the conversation was very easy and he was really cute and nice. I was all up in arms wondering if he was going to be in touch with me or not and if I should text him and yadda yah, and while I was talking about this on the phone with M, on Monday (not even 48 hrs later!) he called me and asked if I wanted to go out again. I said I'd love to and we made plans to get some mexican food tomorrow night... soo..... that's cool! I'm really excited about this, of course also mildly nervous, but I have a good feeling about it.

So things are coming together. Very very quickly, very crazily, they are indeed coming together. Let's see what this fall brings!

A Saturday in LA

Ask and you shall receive, right?

Post my late Friday night fit, which I dealt with by snuggling with my monkey stuffed animal I've had since I was 5 (I am 22 now) and letting a few tears out before I passed out due to extreme tiredness,  I had a great Saturday.

I woke up extra early to do this thing I signed up for where you volunteer reading books to kids at a nearby elementary school - with two other volunteers, we read Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day and did a craft with them. We also ended up playing some games like musical chairs and I think there was a push up competition in there as well. The two volunteers I worked with were really nice, one girl and one guy. The guy was particularly nice and friendly, and I can't be sure because I am overall a total spaz at all things related to dating and flirting, but I think he was into me. I mean, either that or he was super duper friendly.

Oh gosh, I just had a a really panicked moment. It is taking me a little bit to write this entry, and I just remembered that if I weren't missing class this Wednesday, I would need to be handing in a page of creative writing. Shit. Anyway.

After the whole volunteer thing and a little number exchange (what what) I headed to Intensati, which was really great.

The affirmation we did was the following - I am the master of my fate - I lift myself up to a higher state - with the power of my mind - I will seek and I shall find - I will thrive, not just survive - because I'm focused, and I am grateful, and I feel great!

I though that was appropriate. The ladies in the class were super cool and I ended up talking to one of them and one of the co owners of the studio for a realllly long time, they were super helpful and friendly and just awesome. I was a fan. It made me really happy.

Anyway then S & C and I went to a screening of Annie Hall in a cemetary, and it was just perfect and we split 3 bottles of white wine between us and pasta and bread & cheese and I smoked the first cigarette I've had in awhile and I know that's bad but I don't care, it just felt like a good idea at the time.

It was a good Saturday. I obviously lost interest in this post. Sorry.

Having a minor late night fit. And by late night, I mean its 12:12, which is not really late at all.

I am a perfectionist - I know this, I know this well. I know that I don't often live up to my own expectations, and others don't often live up to my expectations and sometimes life is just plain HARD.

I work really hard at what I do, and even as I'm typing that I'm doubting myself and thinking I could work harder. But I do, I work really hard. I bust my butt, I put a lot of energy into it. I get distracted by the internet sometimes, and get really into the cookies I'm eating, but in general I am pretty good at life.

I think?

I don't know what the point of this tangent is, I just want someone to tell me they love me and that everything is going to be okay.

And since everyone I love is on the east coast and not awake right now, I guess that will have to be me, telling myself that. Dawn: I love you, and everything is going to be okay.

I wish that made me feel better but it didn't really.

I'm just lonely and I feel lost and I know I'll regret writing this all soon enough but right now I just want to get it out!

I know it is normal and natural and everything but I just want a rush of joy right now more than anything.

La La La.... LA?

Hey! Hey hey hey.
I'm back, yeah yeah I am back.

That was sort of a little song. AS PER USUAL in my life, I have a strong desire to have a blog and oh! guess what! I already have one that I sort of abandoned way back in October. And now it is nearly July!

Can you believe how time flies?

So, here's the deal. I took that job I mentioned in the last entry here, took it with a vengeance! I worked on this big celebrity filled romantic comedy for SEVEN months. October 18th-April 29th.

I will have you know this was mildly torturous.

I had horrible days where I cried at work. CRIED. How embarrassing.

I had days where I woke up and went into the office with a smile and within the hour the smile was a total raging horrible scowl.

The people I worked with sent me into rages, they drove me nuts, they made me cry. I was basically a monster for 7 months. Well, let's say 6 because I was pretty good for the first month or so, just really really busy.


There are a few good things to say about the job - I really stretched my limits in terms of multitasking and juggling a variety of duties. I had to learn how to tell my boss, in any way possible, when I was beyond overwhelmed. It happened more times than I can count.

The higher ups I was working with loved me - their kids loved me too. They were great to work with, not horribly demanding, really genuinely nice people. Mainly from Los Angeles.


I met some very cool people, very fun people on the job. And the entire thing inspired me to take a big step in my life - more on that in a minute.


As per usual, I had a dramatic dude situation throughout most of the job. That may have filtered into my moodiness and monsterness, but I dunno. Here's a basic summary of what happened:

K and I had a weird tryste in early January, fueled by desperation and random texting/IMing. Yikes. We continued to be in touch for 2 or 3 weeks-ish but he was moving out of the area and was pretty busy packing and getting ready, and I just really wanted a warm body so... it was toxic to begin with. We had some weird text fight that resulted in plans for the following Friday, then him canceling the plans while I was at work late so I was pretty mad. Just as a general rule, if you do not respect my time when I am working, you are on my MAJOR shit list. Okay.

In a determined effort to get very very drunk, I went to my friend Greg's birthday party which was a couple of blocks away, after work. (In retrospect, this night was very foretelling). I told myself as I was walking over that I was going to HAVE FUN like it or lump it. So I was having a good time, hanging with all my people, when this guy walks in and starts saying hi to everyone - and I'm thinking - that guy is pretty damn cute. We're introduced, nothing spectacular happens in that moment, but a few minutes later - we definitely have a "checking each other out" moment across the bar. I venture over near him to drop my cell in my bag (I had pulled it out to see if K had sent me any apologies. no such luck.) and he jokingly began to dance with me. We end up talking for a few minutes, realize we have quite a few things in common, and the night is a pretty big blur from there on out. We danced like crazy together, talked about all sorts of random things, had weird realizations that I had been to his apartment but never met him, etc. etc. He's known friends of mine for years and years, but we had never crossed paths.

ANYWHO, I was giddy as hell, everything seemed great. We exchanged numbers, didn't kiss, he told Greg & Pat that he wanted to take me out on a date, it seemed amazing and timely and perfect.

I would like to insert that I am really grateful for that night - it was really beautiful to me, how we connected, how I was able to convey my attraction to him confidently, and him likewise. How everything seemed perfect, and I was so hopeful and happy.

The happiness waned slightly when I didn't hear from him for a few days, but my birthday was about two weeks after and I figured I'd invite him to the party - maybe he needed another group setting before he really asked me out? I invited him and he responded immediately saying he would go. I was excited, the night was going to be good, I was going to be happy.

My birthday rolled around - as an aside, I have never felt more loved than I did on this birthday! I received so many gifts, surprises, cards, it was truly beautiful and I was really honored to have such an amazing support group around me. The party began and it was great - lots of people showed up, I got ridiculously drunk as per usual, but one small tiny thing - T did not show up. That is, until really really late. When he did show up, I was shocked. Happily shocked. He said hi, then went to get a drink and then camped out in a corner - I went up to him and we talked, flirted, people came up to us and joined us. He made funny jokes, he immediately asked me out, we made plans, it was adorable. I was giddy again. People began to leave the party, but he was still there along with a few others - Pat, Greg, T and I ended up at a diner together at the end of the night, sort of a weird drunken double date. It was fun. We were holding hands under the table, I might have knocked over an entire glass of water (classy), we all had a great time. The night ended well, with a quick kiss and a setting of plans.

For the sake of brevity, the first date was great - seven hours or something long, awkward and nervewracking but cute and fun at the same time. We had another brief meet up later that week, which left me feeling somewhat unsure but I was tired from work. A third date, another long doozy - he showed me around the Met, where he worked, which was truly one of the more romantic couple of hours I've ever had. Things weren't perfect between us, by far, but we seemed to get on well and I was definitely falling very very hard. I couldn't wait to actually kiss him, to take things to the next level.

But then things started to sour - he got sick, he went on a long weekend trip, our texting was stilted, I didn't really know how to read him. We met up a couple more times, each time grabbing food or drink and seeing a movie and ending the night with a peck and maybe plans for the next time around. I am grateful to say that all of these times blend into each other in my head right now, and thank goodness because at points it really felt like I'd never be able to get over this.

Yadda yah, the point is things soured and it was painful and there was no real closure or conclusion just a lot of confusion and mixed feelings.

In the midst of all this, I made a big decision - when I was done with the job, I was going to move to LA.

So, here I am! I live in LA now. I live in beautiful brightly lit two bedroom, huge kitchen, living room and dining room sublet with a mini backyard in a suburban-ish neighborhood with one of the biggest parks in LA less than a mile away and a little village with all sorts of things, including a great yoga studio and a vegan pizza place (!!) less than a mile away as well. I can walk to Trader Joe's, there's great street parking. I drove the green car across the country with my friend I met on the job (see, good things...) - my old high school ride.

Things aren't perfect, not by far - but I feel really good in general. Sometimes I get a little bit bummed to not have my best friends within arms reach. Its especially hard to know that Mel is done with her tour today actually - and she will be carving out a life for herself in NY as I am doing the same for myself here.

But I've been chugging along at the job hunt - touching base with any contacts I have, each week having a couple of meetings or interviews. I feel like something is going to come through soon enough, I have about 2 months left to make it happen.

What happens at the end of those 2 months you ask? Well, I run out of money if I don't have a job. Really, I do. So - its a three month trial.

I had a little bit of a brief period of bummed-dom last week, but I thought about it and I realized that I really need to experience LA as much as I possibly can in these couple of months, because I may not ever get the chance to live her again if things don't work out. So, I signed up for an UCLA extension class, I'm hoping to sign up for some improv classes soon and like I said, I'm working my connections as best as I can. I've been hiking a little bit, doing a lot of yoga (getting back into it!) and enjoying the weather as best I can.

I have a lot of personal goals for myself, and I also have a lot of professional goals. I feel like this move is allowing them to fall into place, because it took me out of the world of NYC where I was feeling stuck.

I'm no longer stuck, I don't have anything holding me back, I'm in the entertainment capital of the world, and I intend to enjoy it.

So, here we go.

Others' Lives

Why is that I am obsessed with other people's blogs? With other people's lives, their thoughts, their wishes and dreams.
I hadn't realized this obsession until fairly recently, when some point this summer I embraced the fact that I was a blog aficionado. I started this blog, and I finally put together a blog roll listing every blog I followed religiously.
What that roll doesn't show is that when I discovered each of those blogs, at some point soon afterward, I went back into the archives and read them all. Entirely, thoroughly, completely.
I find it incredibly fascinating to read through someone's life as it's happening, to see how they don't know what will unfold, to hear stories of their days or events in their life regularly until some big culminating moment, or not at all, or until the present. See the evolution of the writing, of the person, of the relationships they talk about in their posts.
I get way invested. These people are like celebrities to me, I worship them in some weird sick way.
I've only met one blogger that I was a big fan of. It took an hour of my sister pushing me + two glasses of wine to get the courage to walk up to her, introduce myself and explain I was a huge fan. Meanwhile, another blogger that I adore was standing a couple of feet away and I couldn't bring myself to do that.
But the first meeting was incredible. We hugged, we chatted, etc. I sent her an e-mail afterward but no reply. She's busy I think.
But it was cool.

I've reestablished my relationship with the production world recently.

I had all sorts of crazy life happenings, I did a two week stint on curb which was alright, then I spent about a week chasing after a dream job that didn't pan out. I cried a lot when that fell through. Same day, my Mom informed me of some awful medical happenings with my grandfather and we booked next day flights to Texas. I spent two weeks there, mainly in the hospital. It was tough.

Nearing the end of the Texas trip, I got an offer for a 4 week production gig that I figured would be a good way to get out of the house, make some cash, rekindle some connections. The first two weeks turned into a 6 month job offer.

And so.

Now I live in Prospect Heights (I guess) in Brooklyn, I start my new job on Monday on a feature film, I am back to the struggle of health and happiness vs work. But guess what? It is kind of getting a lot easier.

I like my new bosses. They're really cool girls, they are smart and interesting and way more chill than people I've worked with in the past.

I've actually enjoyed the job, and haven't been entirely exhausted after work all the time. I mean, I am tired a lot but I've been able to go out and do things a couple of nights a week after work - which is impressive.


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I wrote this a couple of days ago and never published. It's not complete, but I'm at work and can't spend too much time writing a blog post. But I like some of the thoughts expressed, so here we are.

I bought this really great journal and I'm really excited to fill it.

Something about actual journal writing is so amazing to me, I love the idea that 20 years down the line I'll be able to read it all back and know what it was like to be 21, living in NYC and working in the film industry.

Livin' the dream, baby! /part sarcasm, part gloating