I could barely get through the class, my muscles were screaming so much... I wanted to start Pilates as sort of cross training. I know that I am super lazy when it comes to my abs/stomach/core in real life and in yoga, and I figured going to class where I'm reminded every 5 minutes to suck it in will help with that.
Well, it definitely will help. But it was torture today!
It was actually quite the interesting experience as well, because of the difference in breathing techniques and the whole "draw your navel in as close to your spine" sort of thing, definitely worked out my brain as well trying to remember to do all the pilates-specific actions.
I suppose it was against my better judgment to drag myself to class when I was kind of sort of hungover and on only about 4.5 hours of sleep, but you know. I'm trying to be really good about my workouts and everything, so at least it was a better choice than sleeping in then gorging myself on Ess-A-Bagel (the amazing bagel place basically less than 2 minutes from my apartment) while lying in the park, that exact sequence of events being something I have done many many many Sundays.
I ended up going with my former boss to Mimi's Hummus for brunch after class, where we had a delicious meal. I got sunny side up eggs with swiss chard and tomatoes, a tabouleh salad with whole wheat pita bread, and beets as a side. I am so in love with food, I can't even tell you. I am so jealous of Liz Gilbert in "Eat, Pray, Love" when she's in Italy gorging herself on all the amazing pizza and pasta and all that. I've recently been feeling a reignited desire to cook and bake and experiment with food, and I've been toying with the idea of cooking classes in the back of my head.
I have so many ambitions and things I want to explore, it is kind of ridiculous. And I am very all over the place about these ambitions, forgetting them one day then instantly being reminded and having an aching desire for several days, until I kind of forget again. But the same standards stick around for awhile.
Here's a list of things I'd really like to pursue over the next several months/year or so:
Partner Dancing Lessons (Swing/Tango/Salsa - I love them all!)
Regular Dance Classes (Lady Gaga class at Broadway Bodies this Fall!)
Aerial Silks Class
Cooking Classes - especially Knife Skills
TEFL/TESOL Course
Yoga Teacher Training
Volunteering at BARC Shelter
Joining a Food Co-Op
Volunteering at one of the rooftop farms in NYC
Joining a book club (and reading more in the process!)
Being on a ZogSports team
And that's about all I can think of for now. I guess the first step is getting a job so I can start paying back my student loans and have the money for all this!
That's actually a huge part of my life right now, the job hunt. I've been applying for anything I can possible find that fits my skill set and is somewhat relevant to my degree and that I don't think I would hate. I'm really confident about my resume and cover letter and past work experience, but I've only had one interview (that I haven't heard back from yet - maybe I will hear this week). I have been lucky enough to find job opportunities that I'd be thrilled to have - but no word back yet, which is sort of frustrating. I found a listing on craigslist to be a full time dog walker, and I think I may apply for that just to tide myself over until I find something in my field. It would be good exercise, I love dogs, and... it would be a job. So we'll see, we'll see.
I'm struggling a lot with identifying what I actually want to do with myself these days, and while I have clearly identified certain things - like pursuing yoga seriously, for example - I'm just having a hard time identifying all the different components of my life that I'd like to have, and of the ones I have identified, how it will all jive together and whatnot. I've been really focused on this quote recently:
Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. [George Bernard Shaw]This is something no one has ever said to me, and somehow I never saw this quote until very recently, maybe about a week or so ago when I was at The Strand. It was on a card, and I immediately bought the card just so I could have it to stand up on my desk and look at. This is a notion that never crossed my mind, honestly. I was really caught up in this strange feeling that I didn't know myself, I didn't feel like myself, how was I going to figure out what I was meant to do, if I didn't know myself? etc. etc. Super caught up in trying to identify myself. Little did I know that if we go by this quote, that is impossible. Instead, I needed to be focused on who I wanted myself to be. This may sound silly, but this is a completely revolutionary and inspirational thought for me. I guess I am sort of inclined to believe that things like astrology and your parents and your life experiences have shaped you. Meanwhile, there is this idea that you can change anything about you because you are creating you and you are your creation.
I like that.
Another quote I've been focused on is this...
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. [Gandhi]I'm not sure how to articulate my feelings on this one, besides the fact that I'm really trying to strive towards that aligned moment that the quote is referring to as harmony. I think I really felt this while I was in Costa Rica, if only because since I was by myself and no one around me had any expectations or anything, and I didn't have any expectations of myself or my plans, I was able to just live and be in the moment. There were zero pretenses or outside forces at work, so when a thought popped in my head, I would say it or I would do it. And, interestingly enough, I felt like "myself" more than ever in those moments. And even more interestingly, once I was cleared of worry about what others would be thinking of me or if what I was saying or doing was correct or appropriate or whatever, I found people were drawn to me even moreso than I think they would have been if I was acting in my normal social situation way (which is not to say I put on a act or anything, I am just referring to the sort of normal (or at least I assume it is normal) thoughts that pass quickly through your mind in a social situation - the nuances of who you're interacting with and in what environment and whatnot). I met the most incredible people in Costa Rica, everywhere I went. I struck up conversations and bonded with people on bathroom lines, on buses, in hostel rooms, at my volunteer projects, at yoga classes, etc. etc. And that happened, I believe, because of that extreme lack of pretense.
This is all sort of making me think of some of the things we studied in my Theater & Therapy class I took a couple years back, and the whole notion of spontaneity. Some theorists in Drama Therapy write or talk often about the concept of a child's spontaneity. A child doesn't have those social rules ingrained in them in anyway yet, they are natural and pure and without any "mucking up" from the world around them. Some exercises in Drama Therapy are geared towards returning to that state of mind, where you are able to act as soon as a thought pops into your head. Improv is based on this, sort of. I wrote an extensive paper back then about my hang ups in regards to Improv, and how I hated it and felt extreme pressure when in an "Improv" situation because I was constantly censoring my thoughts and acts and whatnot, and how this theory could probably work really well on me but it sort of terrified me in a way. I remember my professor scrawled across my paper "Everything you think is perfect! Don't get caught up in those thoughts!" and gave me some sort of awesome grade. The paper was more extensive than I just described, and it was probably one of my favorite papers I ever wrote in college (the other being about Annie Sprinkle, the performance artist who once was a prostitute/porn star).
Remembering this now, I feel a little bit like I conquered those demons. Or, I took a big step towards conquering them. I'm still learning, after all.... I think that's all life really is. A learning experience.
And that's all for this Sunday Night. :)
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