You know what ACTUALLY helps with motivation?
Nice weather. I am just fucking thrilled that the sun is out these days. It makes me so happy!
I think I need to live somewhere where there is sun all the time. It would make my life pretty great.
8.29.2010
8.27.2010
Movin' on up
First things first, I'd like to say that I accomplished all things off of my list the other day.
My new juicer is AWESOME! Just a lot of pain to clean up, but so delicious. I've been making carrot apple ginger, and watering it down with some celery and romaine. Mmmmm so delicious! I tried to juice some spinach, and it didn't work. I'm gonna try kale because I've heard of that more often... maybe it will be easier.
I self-practiced yoga for 45 minutes out on my pool patio. I have never actually done such a long self-practice and I am so proud of myself for pushing through! I sort of just went off of what I remembered from some of my recent yoga classes - I know I've taken enough I should be able to lead myself, but it is really hard to do without a lead. I really concentrated though and it was actually easier than I expected - it was all about the focus. I was surprised as well, I found myself erring away from sun salutations (though in the past I've thought that was really the crux of the yoga practice) and incorporating other sorts of asanas. Today I'm pretty sore, as well, so I know I did a good job!
It felt awesome to get back into a practice, and ideally I'd like to form a habit of practicing every morning. Also I'd love to finally incorporate meditation into my regular life as well - though I do find that incredibly difficult. Something to work on.
There was this great article linked on Ridiculously Extraordinary - 7 Reasons Why I Do It Everyday - very inspirational for beginning to do things. Very important.
I'm finding my motivation has skyrocketed since I created that list, then accomplished the things. I am not a regular lister, but when I do list things it changes my perspective completely. I've found recently when I am really overwhelmed with things to do, if I just write them down, I realize it really isn't that much. And this list worked to motivate me as well. And I've always been a "to do" lister when it came to chores or errands or schoolwork. Just takes a little push.
Also motivating me today was just the fact that I got up and got ready and went to work and came home. That was a great feeling, as silly as it sounds it is nice to just realize that I am capable of that and it is something I, as a human, can do. And will do, on a regular basis, eventually.
Even though today was a little bit lame. I mean it wasn't bad, and in actuality it was really easy - 6.5 hours of work - the shortest day of paid work I've had since my bullshit jobs in high school - and a full day of pay, tedious but not physically taxing work that just needed to be done. But I could sense this attitude in the office that was really turning me off - I think it was pretty typical, show is ending and we're burnt out, attitude but it was really irking me. No one was too friendly to me (not unfriendly, just not overly friendly) and I witnessed too many tense discussions.
At the same time, I got a bit wistful about production. And I started beating myself up about closing doors. But then I changed my mind when there was an argument about box cost and two different sets of bosses butting heads. What an inefficient system.
And the thing was, it was really nice to not be a PA, but we had to rely on the PAs and the regular office staff for everything, which I found frustrating. And from what the girl I was working with was telling me, being a Producers Assistant isn't all that great either.
So I think leaving production behind is the right decision, though I'm not entirely ruling it out for the next couple of months. Eventual leave behind for good - yes. Right now, when I'm desperate for a job? We'll see.
I actually used this motivation to rework my resume in a way I feel really good about, and then I fired off two great cover letters to two positions I think I'd be happy to have. And sent my resume to one of the guys I worked with today.
September is coming, and according to some people who think they know what they're talking about slash are trying to make me feel better, that's hiring season. Or at least more hiring season than August - so I'm crossing my fingers, keeping the faith up.
I think I gotta force myself into a routine - this was said to me before but I sort of ignored the advice - in order to stay positive and motivated. It's the waking up and doing that gets me revved up, rather than the sleeping in and relaxing. I can relax later on in the days, do stuff earlier in the morning.
I think this will be my new goal starting Saturday - set up a routine and stick to it. I imagine that's the only thing that will get me through until a job comes along! And I feel like it will come along soon.
My new juicer is AWESOME! Just a lot of pain to clean up, but so delicious. I've been making carrot apple ginger, and watering it down with some celery and romaine. Mmmmm so delicious! I tried to juice some spinach, and it didn't work. I'm gonna try kale because I've heard of that more often... maybe it will be easier.
I self-practiced yoga for 45 minutes out on my pool patio. I have never actually done such a long self-practice and I am so proud of myself for pushing through! I sort of just went off of what I remembered from some of my recent yoga classes - I know I've taken enough I should be able to lead myself, but it is really hard to do without a lead. I really concentrated though and it was actually easier than I expected - it was all about the focus. I was surprised as well, I found myself erring away from sun salutations (though in the past I've thought that was really the crux of the yoga practice) and incorporating other sorts of asanas. Today I'm pretty sore, as well, so I know I did a good job!
It felt awesome to get back into a practice, and ideally I'd like to form a habit of practicing every morning. Also I'd love to finally incorporate meditation into my regular life as well - though I do find that incredibly difficult. Something to work on.
There was this great article linked on Ridiculously Extraordinary - 7 Reasons Why I Do It Everyday - very inspirational for beginning to do things. Very important.
I'm finding my motivation has skyrocketed since I created that list, then accomplished the things. I am not a regular lister, but when I do list things it changes my perspective completely. I've found recently when I am really overwhelmed with things to do, if I just write them down, I realize it really isn't that much. And this list worked to motivate me as well. And I've always been a "to do" lister when it came to chores or errands or schoolwork. Just takes a little push.
Also motivating me today was just the fact that I got up and got ready and went to work and came home. That was a great feeling, as silly as it sounds it is nice to just realize that I am capable of that and it is something I, as a human, can do. And will do, on a regular basis, eventually.
Even though today was a little bit lame. I mean it wasn't bad, and in actuality it was really easy - 6.5 hours of work - the shortest day of paid work I've had since my bullshit jobs in high school - and a full day of pay, tedious but not physically taxing work that just needed to be done. But I could sense this attitude in the office that was really turning me off - I think it was pretty typical, show is ending and we're burnt out, attitude but it was really irking me. No one was too friendly to me (not unfriendly, just not overly friendly) and I witnessed too many tense discussions.
At the same time, I got a bit wistful about production. And I started beating myself up about closing doors. But then I changed my mind when there was an argument about box cost and two different sets of bosses butting heads. What an inefficient system.
And the thing was, it was really nice to not be a PA, but we had to rely on the PAs and the regular office staff for everything, which I found frustrating. And from what the girl I was working with was telling me, being a Producers Assistant isn't all that great either.
So I think leaving production behind is the right decision, though I'm not entirely ruling it out for the next couple of months. Eventual leave behind for good - yes. Right now, when I'm desperate for a job? We'll see.
I actually used this motivation to rework my resume in a way I feel really good about, and then I fired off two great cover letters to two positions I think I'd be happy to have. And sent my resume to one of the guys I worked with today.
September is coming, and according to some people who think they know what they're talking about slash are trying to make me feel better, that's hiring season. Or at least more hiring season than August - so I'm crossing my fingers, keeping the faith up.
I think I gotta force myself into a routine - this was said to me before but I sort of ignored the advice - in order to stay positive and motivated. It's the waking up and doing that gets me revved up, rather than the sleeping in and relaxing. I can relax later on in the days, do stuff earlier in the morning.
I think this will be my new goal starting Saturday - set up a routine and stick to it. I imagine that's the only thing that will get me through until a job comes along! And I feel like it will come along soon.
8.24.2010
Slacker reformed
Okay, I have slacked off considerably with this blog. And it started to get a bit whiny.
I AM SORRY!
I am going to do my best to write here more often, my goal is.... three times per week! Yeah!
Because I am now on a crusade to develop skills that will enhance my life. I am feeling SO unenthused about my work in the Film/TV Industries... I am not sure if this will change with a new job or what, but I am just not feeling it these days. I think I need to explore some other stuff for awhile - and now is the perfect time to do it, as I have all the time in the world!
One of the things I've been trying to pursue for a couple of months now is writing, and that's sort of why I created this blog. I know if I practice writing it will come easier to me (it already has! and does!) and I will improve at it. Ideally, I'd like to one day have a great blog that people I don't know read - I thought this might be it, but I don't think I'm ready for it yet. But maybe, maybe. I need to practice, I need to force myself to write, I just need to DO IT!
Speaking of life improvement, there is this blog that I read when it pops in my head but I never added it to my blog roll before. I fixed this yesterday, and now intend to read it more regularly. It is a really inspirational blog by this vegan guy who is traveling the world - http://www.ridiculouslyextraordinary.com/ - I want to be him!
Actually, I don't know what I want to be. I've completely lost sight of many of my end goals these days, I'm floating around in a space on Long Island aimlessly clicking on jobs and walking from room to room half cleaning, half unearthing things I haven't looked at since before I went to college.
Ahhhhh!
My intention is to get my act together as of NOW, I've allowed myself to slack off the past couple of days but now is the time to STOP and rework everything I'm doing.
Agenda for tomorrow:
Annnd scene. I can do this! I can!
I AM SORRY!
I am going to do my best to write here more often, my goal is.... three times per week! Yeah!
Because I am now on a crusade to develop skills that will enhance my life. I am feeling SO unenthused about my work in the Film/TV Industries... I am not sure if this will change with a new job or what, but I am just not feeling it these days. I think I need to explore some other stuff for awhile - and now is the perfect time to do it, as I have all the time in the world!
One of the things I've been trying to pursue for a couple of months now is writing, and that's sort of why I created this blog. I know if I practice writing it will come easier to me (it already has! and does!) and I will improve at it. Ideally, I'd like to one day have a great blog that people I don't know read - I thought this might be it, but I don't think I'm ready for it yet. But maybe, maybe. I need to practice, I need to force myself to write, I just need to DO IT!
Speaking of life improvement, there is this blog that I read when it pops in my head but I never added it to my blog roll before. I fixed this yesterday, and now intend to read it more regularly. It is a really inspirational blog by this vegan guy who is traveling the world - http://www.ridiculouslyextraordinary.com/ - I want to be him!
Actually, I don't know what I want to be. I've completely lost sight of many of my end goals these days, I'm floating around in a space on Long Island aimlessly clicking on jobs and walking from room to room half cleaning, half unearthing things I haven't looked at since before I went to college.
Ahhhhh!
My intention is to get my act together as of NOW, I've allowed myself to slack off the past couple of days but now is the time to STOP and rework everything I'm doing.
Agenda for tomorrow:
- Make some JUICE! (I got a juicer!!)
- Practice Yoga (and enjoy it!)
- Reschedule appointments (I'm going into do day work on the TV show again on Thurs and Friday - gotta switch around things. Should be easy days and some nice pocket change.)
- Do something, ANYTHING, off of the computer (too much internet these days)
- Spend some time outside (unless it is absolutely pouring)
- Read something
Annnd scene. I can do this! I can!
8.18.2010
Busy!
Well, as usual, but not as I could have predicted, I am feeling much better these days (rather than this weekend), mainly because I have a task at hand to focus on and lots of things to do.
It is truly one of my strengths to find joy in organizing and scheduling. I love to do lists, drawing out calendars because I have so much stuff I need to fit in, the victory feeling I have when I work out a complicated schedule, and as much as I grumble, when a problem arises I am there to fix it.
This is kind of sick.
Anyway, I have been busy moving out and stuff - but of course with some fun time mixed in - I saw Scott Pilgrim yesterday, which was absolutely hilarious. I also went to Happy Hour with Michelle and yoga in the morning.
I don't have much to say here except I'm feeling much more positive - trying to focus on that - and having concrete things to concentrate on organizing helps a lot. Who knows what will happen next week, but I have some plans I'm looking forward to this weekend and in the future and I think I'll be in and out of the city much more than expected.
It is truly one of my strengths to find joy in organizing and scheduling. I love to do lists, drawing out calendars because I have so much stuff I need to fit in, the victory feeling I have when I work out a complicated schedule, and as much as I grumble, when a problem arises I am there to fix it.
This is kind of sick.
Anyway, I have been busy moving out and stuff - but of course with some fun time mixed in - I saw Scott Pilgrim yesterday, which was absolutely hilarious. I also went to Happy Hour with Michelle and yoga in the morning.
I don't have much to say here except I'm feeling much more positive - trying to focus on that - and having concrete things to concentrate on organizing helps a lot. Who knows what will happen next week, but I have some plans I'm looking forward to this weekend and in the future and I think I'll be in and out of the city much more than expected.
8.15.2010
Remaining positive (or not)
So, throughout life, lots of shit happens. I know this. I have lived this. I am 21, I am essentially an adult (a young one, but an adult), I should be able to deal with life at this point. Right?
Wrong. Life is hard.
I am not a big fan of dealing with life. I like to think at a young age I learned to be independent, self sufficient, and competent. I have always handled my responsibilities and duties well, accomplished tasks on time (with some procrastination) and succeeded at most things I did. Now, when I hit a wall in life - all I want to do sometimes is crawl into my mommy's arms and cry.
I want to go back to a time where things were ridiculously, impossibly easy. That the worst thing that happened was someone calling me a name in my class. When I found utter bliss in books and dancing around my living rooms to the Beach Boys, and all things like that.
Essentially, I regress significantly and swiftly.
Right now, I'm struggling. I really really am. I am having the most horrible time admitting that I am in a rut, that I am unemployed, that I am not dating anyone, that I have nothing nothing nothing.
The hardest part about this all is coming home to Long Island. I am here for the night, just a quick trip to see some family friends, take advantage of an opportunity to see some hometown friends I haven't seen in months, drop off a suitcase of heavy books, and then I'm back he city tomorrow. For the final six or so days in my own apartment. I thought coming here for the night was a great idea, but truthfully it has sent me into a bit of a tizzy, and most definitely a highly emotional state.
But I did it, so alas.
I just feel like such a failure at some moments, and seeing people from home (or not seeing them) magnifies this, because I guess my whole life I've tried to not be a failure so I can tell people like this what a success I am. I guess that is not good motivation. I guess I need to work on doing things for myself.
Which I do, a lot.
But I think I'm having a crisis of insecurity.
Jeez, I could use a yoga class right now. I'm definitely going to hit one up tomorrow.
There's one thing, and particularly relevant to my blog topic: yoga is getting me through this mess. Each class is like a mini reset button. I need it. I crave it. I sometimes resist it, because I am apparently masochistic in some ways. But when I actually get there and I do it, it is worth it.
And then there's the fact that I won't be able to do yoga in the city anymore in six days.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh I can't even.
Wrong. Life is hard.
I am not a big fan of dealing with life. I like to think at a young age I learned to be independent, self sufficient, and competent. I have always handled my responsibilities and duties well, accomplished tasks on time (with some procrastination) and succeeded at most things I did. Now, when I hit a wall in life - all I want to do sometimes is crawl into my mommy's arms and cry.
I want to go back to a time where things were ridiculously, impossibly easy. That the worst thing that happened was someone calling me a name in my class. When I found utter bliss in books and dancing around my living rooms to the Beach Boys, and all things like that.
Essentially, I regress significantly and swiftly.
Right now, I'm struggling. I really really am. I am having the most horrible time admitting that I am in a rut, that I am unemployed, that I am not dating anyone, that I have nothing nothing nothing.
The hardest part about this all is coming home to Long Island. I am here for the night, just a quick trip to see some family friends, take advantage of an opportunity to see some hometown friends I haven't seen in months, drop off a suitcase of heavy books, and then I'm back he city tomorrow. For the final six or so days in my own apartment. I thought coming here for the night was a great idea, but truthfully it has sent me into a bit of a tizzy, and most definitely a highly emotional state.
But I did it, so alas.
I just feel like such a failure at some moments, and seeing people from home (or not seeing them) magnifies this, because I guess my whole life I've tried to not be a failure so I can tell people like this what a success I am. I guess that is not good motivation. I guess I need to work on doing things for myself.
Which I do, a lot.
But I think I'm having a crisis of insecurity.
Jeez, I could use a yoga class right now. I'm definitely going to hit one up tomorrow.
There's one thing, and particularly relevant to my blog topic: yoga is getting me through this mess. Each class is like a mini reset button. I need it. I crave it. I sometimes resist it, because I am apparently masochistic in some ways. But when I actually get there and I do it, it is worth it.
And then there's the fact that I won't be able to do yoga in the city anymore in six days.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh I can't even.
8.09.2010
Suburbia
I've been thinking a lot about suburbia lately, what with the impending doom of having to move back to Long Island if I don't find a job soon.
Actually, I should clarify, I've got to go back to Long Island anyway, but the hope is that will only be for a week or so before I move into another apartment. I'm putting my furniture and everything in storage here in Manhattan, so I am being optimistic about it! We'll see, though.
Regardless, this weekend I went up to Connecticut to visit with Mel's family, which was an incredible and much needed break from the city. As I said, I've been thinking about suburbia and moving home and I was starting to look forward to it (a bit!) just for the nature and my parent's pool and whatnot - so this little trip actually came at a wonderful time.
I always forget how needed it is to get out of the city every once in awhile. I think I really need to remember that in the future, maybe once a month or so - just to get a refresher.
Anyway, the weekend was awesome, I absolutely adore her family. I always eat a ton when I go to their house, but the food is so delicious and healthy and they're always very accommodating of my food preferences so that's amazing. And I just love the contrast between their home and mine in terms of food - not to say one is better than the other, but it is mind blowing how different our family's attitudes are. Mel once said to me that in her house food is love, and I can see that. In my house.... I am not sure. To my mom, food is calories. To me, food is delicious. It's interesting to compare and contrast the attitudes, for sure.
I did some baking this past weekend for the party, which I haven't done in forever, and that felt really good. I find it sort of meditative to do food prep and bake, and I have so much fun trying out new recipes. This one was Coconut Lime cupcakes, and they were pretty impressive. I honestly wasn't a huge fan of them, but everyone seemed to love them, and I got major props from the vegans who were at the party (they were vegan cupcakes - from "Vegan Cupcakes Take Over The World"). The cake was made with a lot of coconut elements and some lime zest, the frosting was made with lime juice, and then the whole cupcake was topped with shredded coconut. It presented well, at the least!
Anyway, the party was just great and I loved meeting all of their eccentric family members, especially the people I've heard about. Also, one of our friends from school came as well and we hadn't spent a lot of time together previously (just random conversations at parties) so it was really wonderful to finally get a chance to bond. We talked about jobs, life, love (or lack thereof! jeez), and more and it was quite cathartic. Had a lot of fun hanging with Mel and her sister as well, made me miss mine.
Today we went to an Arts Festival, which is always so fulfilling. I kind of fell in love with Connecticut this weekend, how it is very suburban like Long Island, but seemingly so much more cultured. I'm aware that it might just be the parts their family showed me, but it just seems so much... better. Sorry, LI. You know I love you (kind of).
My muscles are still screaming from this crazy exercise class Mel and I did on Friday called IntenSATI. She was able to bring me as a guest to Equinox, and I was seriously intimidated. I thought I was in really good shape from all my yoga and whatnot but NO - these women were insane. I was cracking up the whole class and my mind was racing trying to take in all the different components and my body was failing me on so many levels but it was truly awesome, I swear. It's a mix of dance, aerobics, and chanting affirmations and it is just this crazy mind-body-spirit exercise. They begin with a lecture on a topic, then the intense aerobics, then a sort of meditative series of aerobics.
Basically, I need to go back.
Anyway, I am absolutely exhausted but I hadn't written in a week and wanted to get together a short entry, also do some memory preserving of this past weekend. This week - I am off to the races again. Did some good career talking with everyone this weekend, and am determined to apply more to places that have missions that I really believe in and would feel proud to be a part of - I think that's a great first step to a future career in whatever it happens to be or just a pleasant work environment that will make me feel good about myself and give me opportunities to explore further interests. I was starting to cave into the idea of applying for more film production-y things, but honestly I think it is going to be worth it to hold out. I have my fingers crossed and the affirmations from intenSATI running through my head, so let's DO THIS!
Actually, I should clarify, I've got to go back to Long Island anyway, but the hope is that will only be for a week or so before I move into another apartment. I'm putting my furniture and everything in storage here in Manhattan, so I am being optimistic about it! We'll see, though.
Regardless, this weekend I went up to Connecticut to visit with Mel's family, which was an incredible and much needed break from the city. As I said, I've been thinking about suburbia and moving home and I was starting to look forward to it (a bit!) just for the nature and my parent's pool and whatnot - so this little trip actually came at a wonderful time.
I always forget how needed it is to get out of the city every once in awhile. I think I really need to remember that in the future, maybe once a month or so - just to get a refresher.
Anyway, the weekend was awesome, I absolutely adore her family. I always eat a ton when I go to their house, but the food is so delicious and healthy and they're always very accommodating of my food preferences so that's amazing. And I just love the contrast between their home and mine in terms of food - not to say one is better than the other, but it is mind blowing how different our family's attitudes are. Mel once said to me that in her house food is love, and I can see that. In my house.... I am not sure. To my mom, food is calories. To me, food is delicious. It's interesting to compare and contrast the attitudes, for sure.
I did some baking this past weekend for the party, which I haven't done in forever, and that felt really good. I find it sort of meditative to do food prep and bake, and I have so much fun trying out new recipes. This one was Coconut Lime cupcakes, and they were pretty impressive. I honestly wasn't a huge fan of them, but everyone seemed to love them, and I got major props from the vegans who were at the party (they were vegan cupcakes - from "Vegan Cupcakes Take Over The World"). The cake was made with a lot of coconut elements and some lime zest, the frosting was made with lime juice, and then the whole cupcake was topped with shredded coconut. It presented well, at the least!
Anyway, the party was just great and I loved meeting all of their eccentric family members, especially the people I've heard about. Also, one of our friends from school came as well and we hadn't spent a lot of time together previously (just random conversations at parties) so it was really wonderful to finally get a chance to bond. We talked about jobs, life, love (or lack thereof! jeez), and more and it was quite cathartic. Had a lot of fun hanging with Mel and her sister as well, made me miss mine.
Today we went to an Arts Festival, which is always so fulfilling. I kind of fell in love with Connecticut this weekend, how it is very suburban like Long Island, but seemingly so much more cultured. I'm aware that it might just be the parts their family showed me, but it just seems so much... better. Sorry, LI. You know I love you (kind of).
My muscles are still screaming from this crazy exercise class Mel and I did on Friday called IntenSATI. She was able to bring me as a guest to Equinox, and I was seriously intimidated. I thought I was in really good shape from all my yoga and whatnot but NO - these women were insane. I was cracking up the whole class and my mind was racing trying to take in all the different components and my body was failing me on so many levels but it was truly awesome, I swear. It's a mix of dance, aerobics, and chanting affirmations and it is just this crazy mind-body-spirit exercise. They begin with a lecture on a topic, then the intense aerobics, then a sort of meditative series of aerobics.
Basically, I need to go back.
Anyway, I am absolutely exhausted but I hadn't written in a week and wanted to get together a short entry, also do some memory preserving of this past weekend. This week - I am off to the races again. Did some good career talking with everyone this weekend, and am determined to apply more to places that have missions that I really believe in and would feel proud to be a part of - I think that's a great first step to a future career in whatever it happens to be or just a pleasant work environment that will make me feel good about myself and give me opportunities to explore further interests. I was starting to cave into the idea of applying for more film production-y things, but honestly I think it is going to be worth it to hold out. I have my fingers crossed and the affirmations from intenSATI running through my head, so let's DO THIS!
8.02.2010
Chug chug chug (chugging along)
Monday, August 2nd - how in the world did we get here so quickly?
I swear, the year 2010 is going to be a year I look back on for the rest of my life as one of the most remarkable periods of my existence. Possibly the most formative year, yet, if you can believe it - I mean I did just have a childhood and a teenage-dom and all that stuff, but honestly.... if I think back to a year ago, and think about where I was at... let's just say, there's been a lot of change. And what with 2010 starting off with a bang with my first real job job, then befriending all sorts of new people, my first continuous dating experience, my second job that made me want to crawl up in a ball and cry for many hours every night (and sometimes I did), the first time in years my sister and I have been in close quarters for more than a week (and on my territory rather than hers), college graduation, zooming off to Costa Rica and throwing my fate to the Universe, a final month of living in Manhattan with very little obligations (but struggling everyday with the job situation).... it has been a lot.
And through this all, time has been zoom zoom zooming, faster than I've ever experienced. It is terrifying, and mind blowing, and kind of wonderful sometimes as well. I've never been a fan of the whole idea of waiting for something to happen, on being idle until an "event" happens.
Not sure how to articulate this, but - I mean I am not a fan in that, I usually feel that way. I revolve my life around events, I used to say I always needed something to look forward to in the future or I'd be depressed. Now, I have matured a bit (I think that's what this is) and I can find joy in the moment. I mean, it is difficult sometimes, but I've certainly grasped further onto the concept of living in the moment and living for what's happening now rather than the future. And I didn't realize I've grown into this concept until this very moment, writing this paragraph, when I thought about how I used to honestly be annoyed and upset with my life if I didn't have something specific to look forward to (a party, a trip, a whatever). And I think about how I dealt with this feeling back then....
I'm not sure how I dealt. I know one thing I did, a major thing, and that was graduate high school early. I was wishing and waiting and hoping for college to come, and so then, because I could, because I had always been competent and smart and a good student and I knew adults would trust me if I said I was ready, I fenagled my way into going to college an entire year early. And I did go. And I went to one of the top universities in the country, one of the top two for my field.
Honestly, when I think about it, I was so immature my freshman year. I've been so immature throughout all of college, truthfully. I've grown up a ton in the past year, in the past two years, in the past three years - every year, growing and growing and getting better and smarter and adding things to my resume and eventually emerging from all this with a handful of great friends, a couple good stories, and two pieces of paper to prove that everything I did was worth it.
Those two pieces of paper are my resume and my degree, by the way. If you were confused.
Then again, I think about how I've always been incredible hard on myself, and everyone surrounding me has always been incredulous in the moments where I express any feelings of failure or stupidity.
I really appreciate those moments, because they remind me that I'm not the only one in the world who's judging what I'm doing, and sometimes that is my serious own worst enemy. I guess it is because I have really high standards, or at least I'd like to think that's the reason. I mean, to be quite honest, and don't hate me for writing this - I am a privileged white girl who grew up on Long Island with good, upper-middle-class parents and countless opportunities to take lessons, have hobbies, go to private schools, travel abroad, etc. What the fuck am I doing if I don't end up doing something amazing with myself? Throwing that all away like an idiot.
And that is the reason why this jobless period is such a struggle for me. I feel like I'm wasting the opportunities I've had, all the experiences that have led up to this point. I am addicted to adding things onto that paper (not the degree, that's kind of final) and making sure its better than the last and the last and the last. I want my parents to be able to gloat about me, I want to be a trophy friend (not a trophy wife) and sister and person. Something doing Landmark taught me, and probably one of the only things, is that I do really really care about what others think. And I want to be the best, and I want to be right. And I am my worst critic, because I imagine what others are thinking and I base these aspirations on that, rather than what others actually say.
This isn't the worst thing that could be in the world, to be honest, because it gives me my drive and determination.
Something that has really affected me recently, and my trip was a huge part of this, as was the sort of self-absorbed attitude of the film industry as a whole, is this huge desire to make some sort of difference in the rest of the world with myself. Some will scoff at this, isn't that so typical of a recent college graduate? Isn't that why people volunteer and join the peace corps and travel and become lawyers for social justice or whatever the fuck? But, to be quite honest, it is sort of the stereotype. But I don't see a whole lot of it going on around me, at all. Not to say the people I interact with are bad people or blind to the rest of the world or anything - but a sincere desire to contribute, to make a change, to be educated on horrible things happening nationwide or worldwide - there isn't a lot of that.
And I'm guilty of that too, up until recently. And I'm not about to say I've spent the past month of unemployment researching and learning about the environment and animals or whatever that's been on my mind - but it has been on my mind, and I've been doing a bit of reading, and I've been doing a lot of thinking.
I think I'm a good person. I also think I'm meant to help others in some way. I think it is part of my astrological makeup, part of my personality, part of me. But I'm not sure what. I have some ideas, but I have exploring to do, I guess.
Anyway, whine, whine, whine, the point is this job search is driving me to do all sorts of thinking and whining and more thinking and then doing.
This past weekend, I also went apartment hunting in the event that I do find a job, and that is driving me to go even further with all this thinking and whining, because I am busy fantasizing about how awesome it will be to have an apartment in Brooklyn and a job and some potted plants on my rooftop deck.
Throughout this all, I've been a pretty bad yogi as it is, slacking off on my yoga classes and healthy eating. I haven't been particularly unhealthy, but I haven't been super healthy either, and part of this has been social and part of it has been just being plain busy, and part of it just laziness on my part. But I figured I needed a bit of a vacation, and my muscles certainly needed a break anyway. But I'm back on in the game as of NOW, promise.
The flipside of this is I had a pretty great couple of days. I went to work on Friday, which was a lot of fun to be quite honest. It reminded me why I don't want to work in production right now, as I returned home and passed out while reading my e-mails, then because I was too tired ate a burrito from Curly's. Which is all well and good, but that's pretty much what my life dissolves into when I work in production, doing that every night. Not sure how other people deal with it - maybe they are more energetic people? I consider myself to be fairly energetic, but I can't do the 12 hrs/day thing, I guess. Not for me. The day was good though, because my old boss is amazing and always has "Fun Fridays" in her offices. I got to pick up a cake from Cupcake Cafe, which was SO delicious and beautiful, and then we made margaritas later in the day (there is something that I won't find at other jobs, I know...). Another bonus was "Eat, Pray, Love" was having their Set Dec sale, so we went and checked that out. I love Set Dec sales, as they always have a ton of really nice stuff that may or may not be slightly damaged and being sold for like, 5% of the original price. I found some nice floor pillows (I've always wanted floor pillows!) and a set of decorative vases and got the whole lot for very very cheap. So all in all, it was a good work day. Hah! Looking forward to the paycheck I'll get next week.
On Saturday, Andre and I trekked around Brooklyn looking at apartments. We had a lot of fun, though it was very exhausting, and we made a pretty awesome pair. He had set up all the appointments (which is something I'm not a huge fan of doing when it comes to apartments) with very little regard for where the places were, so I figured out the logistics as we went and all in all, it was a successful day. We found two apartments we would have been happy living in, though one that definitely would be amazing. However, I can't sign a lease until I have a job of some sort - if I don't find one soon, I'll be banished to Long Island - so that kind of creates a bit of a hitch in the plan. It'll be okay, though, I think. We're looking for a 3rd roommate so that perhaps the two of them could sign a lease and I can hopefully jump on the bandwagon once a job comes along.
That night almost all of my good friends were in town, so we all went out and had a pretty ridiculous night. I had a lot of fun, and I was just grateful for wonderful friends who will drink with me. I also won the prize for concierge services, as I chose the bar and the place we went to brunch the next day and everyone was super happy with both. So, yay me!
Now, I am back to the daily grind of job hunting as previously mentioned 8345323482 times on this blog. Hey, if anyone reading this gets me a job, you won't have to hear about it anymore! Good deal, right?
My whole philanthropic discussion up there was written with the point that I've started looking on idealist.org for jobs, and actually found quite a few I'd be happy to do. This requires some reworking of my resume to be appropriate and a whole new type of cover letter, but for whatever reason I have a good feeling that this new approach to jobs will lead to something. Fingers crossed, I have 26 days 'til Andre comes back in town and we hopefully sign a lease.
26 days to make my life work! Come on, Universe, play your Costa Rica games and send me some signs!
I swear, the year 2010 is going to be a year I look back on for the rest of my life as one of the most remarkable periods of my existence. Possibly the most formative year, yet, if you can believe it - I mean I did just have a childhood and a teenage-dom and all that stuff, but honestly.... if I think back to a year ago, and think about where I was at... let's just say, there's been a lot of change. And what with 2010 starting off with a bang with my first real job job, then befriending all sorts of new people, my first continuous dating experience, my second job that made me want to crawl up in a ball and cry for many hours every night (and sometimes I did), the first time in years my sister and I have been in close quarters for more than a week (and on my territory rather than hers), college graduation, zooming off to Costa Rica and throwing my fate to the Universe, a final month of living in Manhattan with very little obligations (but struggling everyday with the job situation).... it has been a lot.
And through this all, time has been zoom zoom zooming, faster than I've ever experienced. It is terrifying, and mind blowing, and kind of wonderful sometimes as well. I've never been a fan of the whole idea of waiting for something to happen, on being idle until an "event" happens.
Not sure how to articulate this, but - I mean I am not a fan in that, I usually feel that way. I revolve my life around events, I used to say I always needed something to look forward to in the future or I'd be depressed. Now, I have matured a bit (I think that's what this is) and I can find joy in the moment. I mean, it is difficult sometimes, but I've certainly grasped further onto the concept of living in the moment and living for what's happening now rather than the future. And I didn't realize I've grown into this concept until this very moment, writing this paragraph, when I thought about how I used to honestly be annoyed and upset with my life if I didn't have something specific to look forward to (a party, a trip, a whatever). And I think about how I dealt with this feeling back then....
I'm not sure how I dealt. I know one thing I did, a major thing, and that was graduate high school early. I was wishing and waiting and hoping for college to come, and so then, because I could, because I had always been competent and smart and a good student and I knew adults would trust me if I said I was ready, I fenagled my way into going to college an entire year early. And I did go. And I went to one of the top universities in the country, one of the top two for my field.
Honestly, when I think about it, I was so immature my freshman year. I've been so immature throughout all of college, truthfully. I've grown up a ton in the past year, in the past two years, in the past three years - every year, growing and growing and getting better and smarter and adding things to my resume and eventually emerging from all this with a handful of great friends, a couple good stories, and two pieces of paper to prove that everything I did was worth it.
Those two pieces of paper are my resume and my degree, by the way. If you were confused.
Then again, I think about how I've always been incredible hard on myself, and everyone surrounding me has always been incredulous in the moments where I express any feelings of failure or stupidity.
I really appreciate those moments, because they remind me that I'm not the only one in the world who's judging what I'm doing, and sometimes that is my serious own worst enemy. I guess it is because I have really high standards, or at least I'd like to think that's the reason. I mean, to be quite honest, and don't hate me for writing this - I am a privileged white girl who grew up on Long Island with good, upper-middle-class parents and countless opportunities to take lessons, have hobbies, go to private schools, travel abroad, etc. What the fuck am I doing if I don't end up doing something amazing with myself? Throwing that all away like an idiot.
And that is the reason why this jobless period is such a struggle for me. I feel like I'm wasting the opportunities I've had, all the experiences that have led up to this point. I am addicted to adding things onto that paper (not the degree, that's kind of final) and making sure its better than the last and the last and the last. I want my parents to be able to gloat about me, I want to be a trophy friend (not a trophy wife) and sister and person. Something doing Landmark taught me, and probably one of the only things, is that I do really really care about what others think. And I want to be the best, and I want to be right. And I am my worst critic, because I imagine what others are thinking and I base these aspirations on that, rather than what others actually say.
This isn't the worst thing that could be in the world, to be honest, because it gives me my drive and determination.
Something that has really affected me recently, and my trip was a huge part of this, as was the sort of self-absorbed attitude of the film industry as a whole, is this huge desire to make some sort of difference in the rest of the world with myself. Some will scoff at this, isn't that so typical of a recent college graduate? Isn't that why people volunteer and join the peace corps and travel and become lawyers for social justice or whatever the fuck? But, to be quite honest, it is sort of the stereotype. But I don't see a whole lot of it going on around me, at all. Not to say the people I interact with are bad people or blind to the rest of the world or anything - but a sincere desire to contribute, to make a change, to be educated on horrible things happening nationwide or worldwide - there isn't a lot of that.
And I'm guilty of that too, up until recently. And I'm not about to say I've spent the past month of unemployment researching and learning about the environment and animals or whatever that's been on my mind - but it has been on my mind, and I've been doing a bit of reading, and I've been doing a lot of thinking.
I think I'm a good person. I also think I'm meant to help others in some way. I think it is part of my astrological makeup, part of my personality, part of me. But I'm not sure what. I have some ideas, but I have exploring to do, I guess.
Anyway, whine, whine, whine, the point is this job search is driving me to do all sorts of thinking and whining and more thinking and then doing.
This past weekend, I also went apartment hunting in the event that I do find a job, and that is driving me to go even further with all this thinking and whining, because I am busy fantasizing about how awesome it will be to have an apartment in Brooklyn and a job and some potted plants on my rooftop deck.
Throughout this all, I've been a pretty bad yogi as it is, slacking off on my yoga classes and healthy eating. I haven't been particularly unhealthy, but I haven't been super healthy either, and part of this has been social and part of it has been just being plain busy, and part of it just laziness on my part. But I figured I needed a bit of a vacation, and my muscles certainly needed a break anyway. But I'm back on in the game as of NOW, promise.
The flipside of this is I had a pretty great couple of days. I went to work on Friday, which was a lot of fun to be quite honest. It reminded me why I don't want to work in production right now, as I returned home and passed out while reading my e-mails, then because I was too tired ate a burrito from Curly's. Which is all well and good, but that's pretty much what my life dissolves into when I work in production, doing that every night. Not sure how other people deal with it - maybe they are more energetic people? I consider myself to be fairly energetic, but I can't do the 12 hrs/day thing, I guess. Not for me. The day was good though, because my old boss is amazing and always has "Fun Fridays" in her offices. I got to pick up a cake from Cupcake Cafe, which was SO delicious and beautiful, and then we made margaritas later in the day (there is something that I won't find at other jobs, I know...). Another bonus was "Eat, Pray, Love" was having their Set Dec sale, so we went and checked that out. I love Set Dec sales, as they always have a ton of really nice stuff that may or may not be slightly damaged and being sold for like, 5% of the original price. I found some nice floor pillows (I've always wanted floor pillows!) and a set of decorative vases and got the whole lot for very very cheap. So all in all, it was a good work day. Hah! Looking forward to the paycheck I'll get next week.
On Saturday, Andre and I trekked around Brooklyn looking at apartments. We had a lot of fun, though it was very exhausting, and we made a pretty awesome pair. He had set up all the appointments (which is something I'm not a huge fan of doing when it comes to apartments) with very little regard for where the places were, so I figured out the logistics as we went and all in all, it was a successful day. We found two apartments we would have been happy living in, though one that definitely would be amazing. However, I can't sign a lease until I have a job of some sort - if I don't find one soon, I'll be banished to Long Island - so that kind of creates a bit of a hitch in the plan. It'll be okay, though, I think. We're looking for a 3rd roommate so that perhaps the two of them could sign a lease and I can hopefully jump on the bandwagon once a job comes along.
That night almost all of my good friends were in town, so we all went out and had a pretty ridiculous night. I had a lot of fun, and I was just grateful for wonderful friends who will drink with me. I also won the prize for concierge services, as I chose the bar and the place we went to brunch the next day and everyone was super happy with both. So, yay me!
Now, I am back to the daily grind of job hunting as previously mentioned 8345323482 times on this blog. Hey, if anyone reading this gets me a job, you won't have to hear about it anymore! Good deal, right?
My whole philanthropic discussion up there was written with the point that I've started looking on idealist.org for jobs, and actually found quite a few I'd be happy to do. This requires some reworking of my resume to be appropriate and a whole new type of cover letter, but for whatever reason I have a good feeling that this new approach to jobs will lead to something. Fingers crossed, I have 26 days 'til Andre comes back in town and we hopefully sign a lease.
26 days to make my life work! Come on, Universe, play your Costa Rica games and send me some signs!
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