Monday, August 2nd - how in the world did we get here so quickly?
I swear, the year 2010 is going to be a year I look back on for the rest of my life as one of the most remarkable periods of my existence. Possibly the most formative year, yet, if you can believe it - I mean I did just have a childhood and a teenage-dom and all that stuff, but honestly.... if I think back to a year ago, and think about where I was at... let's just say, there's been a lot of change. And what with 2010 starting off with a bang with my first real job job, then befriending all sorts of new people, my first continuous dating experience, my second job that made me want to crawl up in a ball and cry for many hours every night (and sometimes I did), the first time in years my sister and I have been in close quarters for more than a week (and on my territory rather than hers), college graduation, zooming off to Costa Rica and throwing my fate to the Universe, a final month of living in Manhattan with very little obligations (but struggling everyday with the job situation).... it has been a lot.
And through this all, time has been zoom zoom zooming, faster than I've ever experienced. It is terrifying, and mind blowing, and kind of wonderful sometimes as well. I've never been a fan of the whole idea of waiting for something to happen, on being idle until an "event" happens.
Not sure how to articulate this, but - I mean I am not a fan in that, I usually feel that way. I revolve my life around events, I used to say I always needed something to look forward to in the future or I'd be depressed. Now, I have matured a bit (I think that's what this is) and I can find joy in the moment. I mean, it is difficult sometimes, but I've certainly grasped further onto the concept of living in the moment and living for what's happening now rather than the future. And I didn't realize I've grown into this concept until this very moment, writing this paragraph, when I thought about how I used to honestly be annoyed and upset with my life if I didn't have something specific to look forward to (a party, a trip, a whatever). And I think about how I dealt with this feeling back then....
I'm not sure how I dealt. I know one thing I did, a major thing, and that was graduate high school early. I was wishing and waiting and hoping for college to come, and so then, because I could, because I had always been competent and smart and a good student and I knew adults would trust me if I said I was ready, I fenagled my way into going to college an entire year early. And I did go. And I went to one of the top universities in the country, one of the top two for my field.
Honestly, when I think about it, I was so immature my freshman year. I've been so immature throughout all of college, truthfully. I've grown up a ton in the past year, in the past two years, in the past three years - every year, growing and growing and getting better and smarter and adding things to my resume and eventually emerging from all this with a handful of great friends, a couple good stories, and two pieces of paper to prove that everything I did was worth it.
Those two pieces of paper are my resume and my degree, by the way. If you were confused.
Then again, I think about how I've always been incredible hard on myself, and everyone surrounding me has always been incredulous in the moments where I express any feelings of failure or stupidity.
I really appreciate those moments, because they remind me that I'm not the only one in the world who's judging what I'm doing, and sometimes that is my serious own worst enemy. I guess it is because I have really high standards, or at least I'd like to think that's the reason. I mean, to be quite honest, and don't hate me for writing this - I am a privileged white girl who grew up on Long Island with good, upper-middle-class parents and countless opportunities to take lessons, have hobbies, go to private schools, travel abroad, etc. What the fuck am I doing if I don't end up doing something amazing with myself? Throwing that all away like an idiot.
And that is the reason why this jobless period is such a struggle for me. I feel like I'm wasting the opportunities I've had, all the experiences that have led up to this point. I am addicted to adding things onto that paper (not the degree, that's kind of final) and making sure its better than the last and the last and the last. I want my parents to be able to gloat about me, I want to be a trophy friend (not a trophy wife) and sister and person. Something doing Landmark taught me, and probably one of the only things, is that I do really really care about what others think. And I want to be the best, and I want to be right. And I am my worst critic, because I imagine what others are thinking and I base these aspirations on that, rather than what others actually say.
This isn't the worst thing that could be in the world, to be honest, because it gives me my drive and determination.
Something that has really affected me recently, and my trip was a huge part of this, as was the sort of self-absorbed attitude of the film industry as a whole, is this huge desire to make some sort of difference in the rest of the world with myself. Some will scoff at this, isn't that so typical of a recent college graduate? Isn't that why people volunteer and join the peace corps and travel and become lawyers for social justice or whatever the fuck? But, to be quite honest, it is sort of the stereotype. But I don't see a whole lot of it going on around me, at all. Not to say the people I interact with are bad people or blind to the rest of the world or anything - but a sincere desire to contribute, to make a change, to be educated on horrible things happening nationwide or worldwide - there isn't a lot of that.
And I'm guilty of that too, up until recently. And I'm not about to say I've spent the past month of unemployment researching and learning about the environment and animals or whatever that's been on my mind - but it has been on my mind, and I've been doing a bit of reading, and I've been doing a lot of thinking.
I think I'm a good person. I also think I'm meant to help others in some way. I think it is part of my astrological makeup, part of my personality, part of me. But I'm not sure what. I have some ideas, but I have exploring to do, I guess.
Anyway, whine, whine, whine, the point is this job search is driving me to do all sorts of thinking and whining and more thinking and then doing.
This past weekend, I also went apartment hunting in the event that I do find a job, and that is driving me to go even further with all this thinking and whining, because I am busy fantasizing about how awesome it will be to have an apartment in Brooklyn and a job and some potted plants on my rooftop deck.
Throughout this all, I've been a pretty bad yogi as it is, slacking off on my yoga classes and healthy eating. I haven't been particularly unhealthy, but I haven't been super healthy either, and part of this has been social and part of it has been just being plain busy, and part of it just laziness on my part. But I figured I needed a bit of a vacation, and my muscles certainly needed a break anyway. But I'm back on in the game as of NOW, promise.
The flipside of this is I had a pretty great couple of days. I went to work on Friday, which was a lot of fun to be quite honest. It reminded me why I don't want to work in production right now, as I returned home and passed out while reading my e-mails, then because I was too tired ate a burrito from Curly's. Which is all well and good, but that's pretty much what my life dissolves into when I work in production, doing that every night. Not sure how other people deal with it - maybe they are more energetic people? I consider myself to be fairly energetic, but I can't do the 12 hrs/day thing, I guess. Not for me. The day was good though, because my old boss is amazing and always has "Fun Fridays" in her offices. I got to pick up a cake from Cupcake Cafe, which was SO delicious and beautiful, and then we made margaritas later in the day (there is something that I won't find at other jobs, I know...). Another bonus was "Eat, Pray, Love" was having their Set Dec sale, so we went and checked that out. I love Set Dec sales, as they always have a ton of really nice stuff that may or may not be slightly damaged and being sold for like, 5% of the original price. I found some nice floor pillows (I've always wanted floor pillows!) and a set of decorative vases and got the whole lot for very very cheap. So all in all, it was a good work day. Hah! Looking forward to the paycheck I'll get next week.
On Saturday, Andre and I trekked around Brooklyn looking at apartments. We had a lot of fun, though it was very exhausting, and we made a pretty awesome pair. He had set up all the appointments (which is something I'm not a huge fan of doing when it comes to apartments) with very little regard for where the places were, so I figured out the logistics as we went and all in all, it was a successful day. We found two apartments we would have been happy living in, though one that definitely would be amazing. However, I can't sign a lease until I have a job of some sort - if I don't find one soon, I'll be banished to Long Island - so that kind of creates a bit of a hitch in the plan. It'll be okay, though, I think. We're looking for a 3rd roommate so that perhaps the two of them could sign a lease and I can hopefully jump on the bandwagon once a job comes along.
That night almost all of my good friends were in town, so we all went out and had a pretty ridiculous night. I had a lot of fun, and I was just grateful for wonderful friends who will drink with me. I also won the prize for concierge services, as I chose the bar and the place we went to brunch the next day and everyone was super happy with both. So, yay me!
Now, I am back to the daily grind of job hunting as previously mentioned 8345323482 times on this blog. Hey, if anyone reading this gets me a job, you won't have to hear about it anymore! Good deal, right?
My whole philanthropic discussion up there was written with the point that I've started looking on idealist.org for jobs, and actually found quite a few I'd be happy to do. This requires some reworking of my resume to be appropriate and a whole new type of cover letter, but for whatever reason I have a good feeling that this new approach to jobs will lead to something. Fingers crossed, I have 26 days 'til Andre comes back in town and we hopefully sign a lease.
26 days to make my life work! Come on, Universe, play your Costa Rica games and send me some signs!
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