Remaining positive (or not)

So, throughout life, lots of shit happens. I know this. I have lived this. I am 21, I am essentially an adult (a young one, but an adult), I should be able to deal with life at this point. Right?

Wrong. Life is hard.

I am not a big fan of dealing with life. I like to think at a young age I learned to be independent, self sufficient, and competent. I have always handled my responsibilities and duties well, accomplished tasks on time (with some procrastination) and succeeded at most things I did. Now, when I hit a wall in life - all I want to do sometimes is crawl into my mommy's arms and cry.

I want to go back to a time where things were ridiculously, impossibly easy. That the worst thing that happened was someone calling me a name in my class. When I found utter bliss in books and dancing around my living rooms to the Beach Boys, and all things like that.

Essentially, I regress significantly and swiftly.

Right now, I'm struggling. I really really am. I am having the most horrible time admitting that I am in a rut, that I am unemployed, that I am not dating anyone, that I have nothing nothing nothing.

The hardest part about this all is coming home to Long Island. I am here for the night, just a quick trip to see some family friends, take advantage of an opportunity to see some hometown friends I haven't seen in months, drop off a suitcase of heavy books, and then I'm back he city tomorrow. For the final six or so days in my own apartment. I thought coming here for the night was a great idea, but truthfully it has sent me into a bit of a tizzy, and most definitely a highly emotional state.

But I did it, so alas.

I just feel like such a failure at some moments, and seeing people from home (or not seeing them) magnifies this, because I guess my whole life I've tried to not be a failure so I can tell people like this what a success I am. I guess that is not good motivation. I guess I need to work on doing things for myself.

Which I do, a lot.

But I think I'm having a crisis of insecurity.

Jeez, I could use a yoga class right now. I'm definitely going to hit one up tomorrow.

There's one thing, and particularly relevant to my blog topic: yoga is getting me through this mess. Each class is like a mini reset button. I need it. I crave it. I sometimes resist it, because I am apparently masochistic in some ways. But when I actually get there and I do it, it is worth it.

And then there's the fact that I won't be able to do yoga in the city anymore in six days.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh I can't even.