Why is that I am obsessed with other people's blogs? With other people's lives, their thoughts, their wishes and dreams.
I hadn't realized this obsession until fairly recently, when some point this summer I embraced the fact that I was a blog aficionado. I started this blog, and I finally put together a blog roll listing every blog I followed religiously.
What that roll doesn't show is that when I discovered each of those blogs, at some point soon afterward, I went back into the archives and read them all. Entirely, thoroughly, completely.
I find it incredibly fascinating to read through someone's life as it's happening, to see how they don't know what will unfold, to hear stories of their days or events in their life regularly until some big culminating moment, or not at all, or until the present. See the evolution of the writing, of the person, of the relationships they talk about in their posts.
I get way invested. These people are like celebrities to me, I worship them in some weird sick way.
I've only met one blogger that I was a big fan of. It took an hour of my sister pushing me + two glasses of wine to get the courage to walk up to her, introduce myself and explain I was a huge fan. Meanwhile, another blogger that I adore was standing a couple of feet away and I couldn't bring myself to do that.
But the first meeting was incredible. We hugged, we chatted, etc. I sent her an e-mail afterward but no reply. She's busy I think.
But it was cool.
I've reestablished my relationship with the production world recently.
I had all sorts of crazy life happenings, I did a two week stint on curb which was alright, then I spent about a week chasing after a dream job that didn't pan out. I cried a lot when that fell through. Same day, my Mom informed me of some awful medical happenings with my grandfather and we booked next day flights to Texas. I spent two weeks there, mainly in the hospital. It was tough.
Nearing the end of the Texas trip, I got an offer for a 4 week production gig that I figured would be a good way to get out of the house, make some cash, rekindle some connections. The first two weeks turned into a 6 month job offer.
And so.
Now I live in Prospect Heights (I guess) in Brooklyn, I start my new job on Monday on a feature film, I am back to the struggle of health and happiness vs work. But guess what? It is kind of getting a lot easier.
I like my new bosses. They're really cool girls, they are smart and interesting and way more chill than people I've worked with in the past.
I've actually enjoyed the job, and haven't been entirely exhausted after work all the time. I mean, I am tired a lot but I've been able to go out and do things a couple of nights a week after work - which is impressive.
---
I wrote this a couple of days ago and never published. It's not complete, but I'm at work and can't spend too much time writing a blog post. But I like some of the thoughts expressed, so here we are.
I bought this really great journal and I'm really excited to fill it.
Something about actual journal writing is so amazing to me, I love the idea that 20 years down the line I'll be able to read it all back and know what it was like to be 21, living in NYC and working in the film industry.
Livin' the dream, baby! /part sarcasm, part gloating
10.20.2010
8.29.2010
Sun!
You know what ACTUALLY helps with motivation?
Nice weather. I am just fucking thrilled that the sun is out these days. It makes me so happy!
I think I need to live somewhere where there is sun all the time. It would make my life pretty great.
Nice weather. I am just fucking thrilled that the sun is out these days. It makes me so happy!
I think I need to live somewhere where there is sun all the time. It would make my life pretty great.
8.27.2010
Movin' on up
First things first, I'd like to say that I accomplished all things off of my list the other day.
My new juicer is AWESOME! Just a lot of pain to clean up, but so delicious. I've been making carrot apple ginger, and watering it down with some celery and romaine. Mmmmm so delicious! I tried to juice some spinach, and it didn't work. I'm gonna try kale because I've heard of that more often... maybe it will be easier.
I self-practiced yoga for 45 minutes out on my pool patio. I have never actually done such a long self-practice and I am so proud of myself for pushing through! I sort of just went off of what I remembered from some of my recent yoga classes - I know I've taken enough I should be able to lead myself, but it is really hard to do without a lead. I really concentrated though and it was actually easier than I expected - it was all about the focus. I was surprised as well, I found myself erring away from sun salutations (though in the past I've thought that was really the crux of the yoga practice) and incorporating other sorts of asanas. Today I'm pretty sore, as well, so I know I did a good job!
It felt awesome to get back into a practice, and ideally I'd like to form a habit of practicing every morning. Also I'd love to finally incorporate meditation into my regular life as well - though I do find that incredibly difficult. Something to work on.
There was this great article linked on Ridiculously Extraordinary - 7 Reasons Why I Do It Everyday - very inspirational for beginning to do things. Very important.
I'm finding my motivation has skyrocketed since I created that list, then accomplished the things. I am not a regular lister, but when I do list things it changes my perspective completely. I've found recently when I am really overwhelmed with things to do, if I just write them down, I realize it really isn't that much. And this list worked to motivate me as well. And I've always been a "to do" lister when it came to chores or errands or schoolwork. Just takes a little push.
Also motivating me today was just the fact that I got up and got ready and went to work and came home. That was a great feeling, as silly as it sounds it is nice to just realize that I am capable of that and it is something I, as a human, can do. And will do, on a regular basis, eventually.
Even though today was a little bit lame. I mean it wasn't bad, and in actuality it was really easy - 6.5 hours of work - the shortest day of paid work I've had since my bullshit jobs in high school - and a full day of pay, tedious but not physically taxing work that just needed to be done. But I could sense this attitude in the office that was really turning me off - I think it was pretty typical, show is ending and we're burnt out, attitude but it was really irking me. No one was too friendly to me (not unfriendly, just not overly friendly) and I witnessed too many tense discussions.
At the same time, I got a bit wistful about production. And I started beating myself up about closing doors. But then I changed my mind when there was an argument about box cost and two different sets of bosses butting heads. What an inefficient system.
And the thing was, it was really nice to not be a PA, but we had to rely on the PAs and the regular office staff for everything, which I found frustrating. And from what the girl I was working with was telling me, being a Producers Assistant isn't all that great either.
So I think leaving production behind is the right decision, though I'm not entirely ruling it out for the next couple of months. Eventual leave behind for good - yes. Right now, when I'm desperate for a job? We'll see.
I actually used this motivation to rework my resume in a way I feel really good about, and then I fired off two great cover letters to two positions I think I'd be happy to have. And sent my resume to one of the guys I worked with today.
September is coming, and according to some people who think they know what they're talking about slash are trying to make me feel better, that's hiring season. Or at least more hiring season than August - so I'm crossing my fingers, keeping the faith up.
I think I gotta force myself into a routine - this was said to me before but I sort of ignored the advice - in order to stay positive and motivated. It's the waking up and doing that gets me revved up, rather than the sleeping in and relaxing. I can relax later on in the days, do stuff earlier in the morning.
I think this will be my new goal starting Saturday - set up a routine and stick to it. I imagine that's the only thing that will get me through until a job comes along! And I feel like it will come along soon.
My new juicer is AWESOME! Just a lot of pain to clean up, but so delicious. I've been making carrot apple ginger, and watering it down with some celery and romaine. Mmmmm so delicious! I tried to juice some spinach, and it didn't work. I'm gonna try kale because I've heard of that more often... maybe it will be easier.
I self-practiced yoga for 45 minutes out on my pool patio. I have never actually done such a long self-practice and I am so proud of myself for pushing through! I sort of just went off of what I remembered from some of my recent yoga classes - I know I've taken enough I should be able to lead myself, but it is really hard to do without a lead. I really concentrated though and it was actually easier than I expected - it was all about the focus. I was surprised as well, I found myself erring away from sun salutations (though in the past I've thought that was really the crux of the yoga practice) and incorporating other sorts of asanas. Today I'm pretty sore, as well, so I know I did a good job!
It felt awesome to get back into a practice, and ideally I'd like to form a habit of practicing every morning. Also I'd love to finally incorporate meditation into my regular life as well - though I do find that incredibly difficult. Something to work on.
There was this great article linked on Ridiculously Extraordinary - 7 Reasons Why I Do It Everyday - very inspirational for beginning to do things. Very important.
I'm finding my motivation has skyrocketed since I created that list, then accomplished the things. I am not a regular lister, but when I do list things it changes my perspective completely. I've found recently when I am really overwhelmed with things to do, if I just write them down, I realize it really isn't that much. And this list worked to motivate me as well. And I've always been a "to do" lister when it came to chores or errands or schoolwork. Just takes a little push.
Also motivating me today was just the fact that I got up and got ready and went to work and came home. That was a great feeling, as silly as it sounds it is nice to just realize that I am capable of that and it is something I, as a human, can do. And will do, on a regular basis, eventually.
Even though today was a little bit lame. I mean it wasn't bad, and in actuality it was really easy - 6.5 hours of work - the shortest day of paid work I've had since my bullshit jobs in high school - and a full day of pay, tedious but not physically taxing work that just needed to be done. But I could sense this attitude in the office that was really turning me off - I think it was pretty typical, show is ending and we're burnt out, attitude but it was really irking me. No one was too friendly to me (not unfriendly, just not overly friendly) and I witnessed too many tense discussions.
At the same time, I got a bit wistful about production. And I started beating myself up about closing doors. But then I changed my mind when there was an argument about box cost and two different sets of bosses butting heads. What an inefficient system.
And the thing was, it was really nice to not be a PA, but we had to rely on the PAs and the regular office staff for everything, which I found frustrating. And from what the girl I was working with was telling me, being a Producers Assistant isn't all that great either.
So I think leaving production behind is the right decision, though I'm not entirely ruling it out for the next couple of months. Eventual leave behind for good - yes. Right now, when I'm desperate for a job? We'll see.
I actually used this motivation to rework my resume in a way I feel really good about, and then I fired off two great cover letters to two positions I think I'd be happy to have. And sent my resume to one of the guys I worked with today.
September is coming, and according to some people who think they know what they're talking about slash are trying to make me feel better, that's hiring season. Or at least more hiring season than August - so I'm crossing my fingers, keeping the faith up.
I think I gotta force myself into a routine - this was said to me before but I sort of ignored the advice - in order to stay positive and motivated. It's the waking up and doing that gets me revved up, rather than the sleeping in and relaxing. I can relax later on in the days, do stuff earlier in the morning.
I think this will be my new goal starting Saturday - set up a routine and stick to it. I imagine that's the only thing that will get me through until a job comes along! And I feel like it will come along soon.
8.24.2010
Slacker reformed
Okay, I have slacked off considerably with this blog. And it started to get a bit whiny.
I AM SORRY!
I am going to do my best to write here more often, my goal is.... three times per week! Yeah!
Because I am now on a crusade to develop skills that will enhance my life. I am feeling SO unenthused about my work in the Film/TV Industries... I am not sure if this will change with a new job or what, but I am just not feeling it these days. I think I need to explore some other stuff for awhile - and now is the perfect time to do it, as I have all the time in the world!
One of the things I've been trying to pursue for a couple of months now is writing, and that's sort of why I created this blog. I know if I practice writing it will come easier to me (it already has! and does!) and I will improve at it. Ideally, I'd like to one day have a great blog that people I don't know read - I thought this might be it, but I don't think I'm ready for it yet. But maybe, maybe. I need to practice, I need to force myself to write, I just need to DO IT!
Speaking of life improvement, there is this blog that I read when it pops in my head but I never added it to my blog roll before. I fixed this yesterday, and now intend to read it more regularly. It is a really inspirational blog by this vegan guy who is traveling the world - http://www.ridiculouslyextraordinary.com/ - I want to be him!
Actually, I don't know what I want to be. I've completely lost sight of many of my end goals these days, I'm floating around in a space on Long Island aimlessly clicking on jobs and walking from room to room half cleaning, half unearthing things I haven't looked at since before I went to college.
Ahhhhh!
My intention is to get my act together as of NOW, I've allowed myself to slack off the past couple of days but now is the time to STOP and rework everything I'm doing.
Agenda for tomorrow:
Annnd scene. I can do this! I can!
I AM SORRY!
I am going to do my best to write here more often, my goal is.... three times per week! Yeah!
Because I am now on a crusade to develop skills that will enhance my life. I am feeling SO unenthused about my work in the Film/TV Industries... I am not sure if this will change with a new job or what, but I am just not feeling it these days. I think I need to explore some other stuff for awhile - and now is the perfect time to do it, as I have all the time in the world!
One of the things I've been trying to pursue for a couple of months now is writing, and that's sort of why I created this blog. I know if I practice writing it will come easier to me (it already has! and does!) and I will improve at it. Ideally, I'd like to one day have a great blog that people I don't know read - I thought this might be it, but I don't think I'm ready for it yet. But maybe, maybe. I need to practice, I need to force myself to write, I just need to DO IT!
Speaking of life improvement, there is this blog that I read when it pops in my head but I never added it to my blog roll before. I fixed this yesterday, and now intend to read it more regularly. It is a really inspirational blog by this vegan guy who is traveling the world - http://www.ridiculouslyextraordinary.com/ - I want to be him!
Actually, I don't know what I want to be. I've completely lost sight of many of my end goals these days, I'm floating around in a space on Long Island aimlessly clicking on jobs and walking from room to room half cleaning, half unearthing things I haven't looked at since before I went to college.
Ahhhhh!
My intention is to get my act together as of NOW, I've allowed myself to slack off the past couple of days but now is the time to STOP and rework everything I'm doing.
Agenda for tomorrow:
- Make some JUICE! (I got a juicer!!)
- Practice Yoga (and enjoy it!)
- Reschedule appointments (I'm going into do day work on the TV show again on Thurs and Friday - gotta switch around things. Should be easy days and some nice pocket change.)
- Do something, ANYTHING, off of the computer (too much internet these days)
- Spend some time outside (unless it is absolutely pouring)
- Read something
Annnd scene. I can do this! I can!
8.18.2010
Busy!
Well, as usual, but not as I could have predicted, I am feeling much better these days (rather than this weekend), mainly because I have a task at hand to focus on and lots of things to do.
It is truly one of my strengths to find joy in organizing and scheduling. I love to do lists, drawing out calendars because I have so much stuff I need to fit in, the victory feeling I have when I work out a complicated schedule, and as much as I grumble, when a problem arises I am there to fix it.
This is kind of sick.
Anyway, I have been busy moving out and stuff - but of course with some fun time mixed in - I saw Scott Pilgrim yesterday, which was absolutely hilarious. I also went to Happy Hour with Michelle and yoga in the morning.
I don't have much to say here except I'm feeling much more positive - trying to focus on that - and having concrete things to concentrate on organizing helps a lot. Who knows what will happen next week, but I have some plans I'm looking forward to this weekend and in the future and I think I'll be in and out of the city much more than expected.
It is truly one of my strengths to find joy in organizing and scheduling. I love to do lists, drawing out calendars because I have so much stuff I need to fit in, the victory feeling I have when I work out a complicated schedule, and as much as I grumble, when a problem arises I am there to fix it.
This is kind of sick.
Anyway, I have been busy moving out and stuff - but of course with some fun time mixed in - I saw Scott Pilgrim yesterday, which was absolutely hilarious. I also went to Happy Hour with Michelle and yoga in the morning.
I don't have much to say here except I'm feeling much more positive - trying to focus on that - and having concrete things to concentrate on organizing helps a lot. Who knows what will happen next week, but I have some plans I'm looking forward to this weekend and in the future and I think I'll be in and out of the city much more than expected.
8.15.2010
Remaining positive (or not)
So, throughout life, lots of shit happens. I know this. I have lived this. I am 21, I am essentially an adult (a young one, but an adult), I should be able to deal with life at this point. Right?
Wrong. Life is hard.
I am not a big fan of dealing with life. I like to think at a young age I learned to be independent, self sufficient, and competent. I have always handled my responsibilities and duties well, accomplished tasks on time (with some procrastination) and succeeded at most things I did. Now, when I hit a wall in life - all I want to do sometimes is crawl into my mommy's arms and cry.
I want to go back to a time where things were ridiculously, impossibly easy. That the worst thing that happened was someone calling me a name in my class. When I found utter bliss in books and dancing around my living rooms to the Beach Boys, and all things like that.
Essentially, I regress significantly and swiftly.
Right now, I'm struggling. I really really am. I am having the most horrible time admitting that I am in a rut, that I am unemployed, that I am not dating anyone, that I have nothing nothing nothing.
The hardest part about this all is coming home to Long Island. I am here for the night, just a quick trip to see some family friends, take advantage of an opportunity to see some hometown friends I haven't seen in months, drop off a suitcase of heavy books, and then I'm back he city tomorrow. For the final six or so days in my own apartment. I thought coming here for the night was a great idea, but truthfully it has sent me into a bit of a tizzy, and most definitely a highly emotional state.
But I did it, so alas.
I just feel like such a failure at some moments, and seeing people from home (or not seeing them) magnifies this, because I guess my whole life I've tried to not be a failure so I can tell people like this what a success I am. I guess that is not good motivation. I guess I need to work on doing things for myself.
Which I do, a lot.
But I think I'm having a crisis of insecurity.
Jeez, I could use a yoga class right now. I'm definitely going to hit one up tomorrow.
There's one thing, and particularly relevant to my blog topic: yoga is getting me through this mess. Each class is like a mini reset button. I need it. I crave it. I sometimes resist it, because I am apparently masochistic in some ways. But when I actually get there and I do it, it is worth it.
And then there's the fact that I won't be able to do yoga in the city anymore in six days.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh I can't even.
Wrong. Life is hard.
I am not a big fan of dealing with life. I like to think at a young age I learned to be independent, self sufficient, and competent. I have always handled my responsibilities and duties well, accomplished tasks on time (with some procrastination) and succeeded at most things I did. Now, when I hit a wall in life - all I want to do sometimes is crawl into my mommy's arms and cry.
I want to go back to a time where things were ridiculously, impossibly easy. That the worst thing that happened was someone calling me a name in my class. When I found utter bliss in books and dancing around my living rooms to the Beach Boys, and all things like that.
Essentially, I regress significantly and swiftly.
Right now, I'm struggling. I really really am. I am having the most horrible time admitting that I am in a rut, that I am unemployed, that I am not dating anyone, that I have nothing nothing nothing.
The hardest part about this all is coming home to Long Island. I am here for the night, just a quick trip to see some family friends, take advantage of an opportunity to see some hometown friends I haven't seen in months, drop off a suitcase of heavy books, and then I'm back he city tomorrow. For the final six or so days in my own apartment. I thought coming here for the night was a great idea, but truthfully it has sent me into a bit of a tizzy, and most definitely a highly emotional state.
But I did it, so alas.
I just feel like such a failure at some moments, and seeing people from home (or not seeing them) magnifies this, because I guess my whole life I've tried to not be a failure so I can tell people like this what a success I am. I guess that is not good motivation. I guess I need to work on doing things for myself.
Which I do, a lot.
But I think I'm having a crisis of insecurity.
Jeez, I could use a yoga class right now. I'm definitely going to hit one up tomorrow.
There's one thing, and particularly relevant to my blog topic: yoga is getting me through this mess. Each class is like a mini reset button. I need it. I crave it. I sometimes resist it, because I am apparently masochistic in some ways. But when I actually get there and I do it, it is worth it.
And then there's the fact that I won't be able to do yoga in the city anymore in six days.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh I can't even.
8.09.2010
Suburbia
I've been thinking a lot about suburbia lately, what with the impending doom of having to move back to Long Island if I don't find a job soon.
Actually, I should clarify, I've got to go back to Long Island anyway, but the hope is that will only be for a week or so before I move into another apartment. I'm putting my furniture and everything in storage here in Manhattan, so I am being optimistic about it! We'll see, though.
Regardless, this weekend I went up to Connecticut to visit with Mel's family, which was an incredible and much needed break from the city. As I said, I've been thinking about suburbia and moving home and I was starting to look forward to it (a bit!) just for the nature and my parent's pool and whatnot - so this little trip actually came at a wonderful time.
I always forget how needed it is to get out of the city every once in awhile. I think I really need to remember that in the future, maybe once a month or so - just to get a refresher.
Anyway, the weekend was awesome, I absolutely adore her family. I always eat a ton when I go to their house, but the food is so delicious and healthy and they're always very accommodating of my food preferences so that's amazing. And I just love the contrast between their home and mine in terms of food - not to say one is better than the other, but it is mind blowing how different our family's attitudes are. Mel once said to me that in her house food is love, and I can see that. In my house.... I am not sure. To my mom, food is calories. To me, food is delicious. It's interesting to compare and contrast the attitudes, for sure.
I did some baking this past weekend for the party, which I haven't done in forever, and that felt really good. I find it sort of meditative to do food prep and bake, and I have so much fun trying out new recipes. This one was Coconut Lime cupcakes, and they were pretty impressive. I honestly wasn't a huge fan of them, but everyone seemed to love them, and I got major props from the vegans who were at the party (they were vegan cupcakes - from "Vegan Cupcakes Take Over The World"). The cake was made with a lot of coconut elements and some lime zest, the frosting was made with lime juice, and then the whole cupcake was topped with shredded coconut. It presented well, at the least!
Anyway, the party was just great and I loved meeting all of their eccentric family members, especially the people I've heard about. Also, one of our friends from school came as well and we hadn't spent a lot of time together previously (just random conversations at parties) so it was really wonderful to finally get a chance to bond. We talked about jobs, life, love (or lack thereof! jeez), and more and it was quite cathartic. Had a lot of fun hanging with Mel and her sister as well, made me miss mine.
Today we went to an Arts Festival, which is always so fulfilling. I kind of fell in love with Connecticut this weekend, how it is very suburban like Long Island, but seemingly so much more cultured. I'm aware that it might just be the parts their family showed me, but it just seems so much... better. Sorry, LI. You know I love you (kind of).
My muscles are still screaming from this crazy exercise class Mel and I did on Friday called IntenSATI. She was able to bring me as a guest to Equinox, and I was seriously intimidated. I thought I was in really good shape from all my yoga and whatnot but NO - these women were insane. I was cracking up the whole class and my mind was racing trying to take in all the different components and my body was failing me on so many levels but it was truly awesome, I swear. It's a mix of dance, aerobics, and chanting affirmations and it is just this crazy mind-body-spirit exercise. They begin with a lecture on a topic, then the intense aerobics, then a sort of meditative series of aerobics.
Basically, I need to go back.
Anyway, I am absolutely exhausted but I hadn't written in a week and wanted to get together a short entry, also do some memory preserving of this past weekend. This week - I am off to the races again. Did some good career talking with everyone this weekend, and am determined to apply more to places that have missions that I really believe in and would feel proud to be a part of - I think that's a great first step to a future career in whatever it happens to be or just a pleasant work environment that will make me feel good about myself and give me opportunities to explore further interests. I was starting to cave into the idea of applying for more film production-y things, but honestly I think it is going to be worth it to hold out. I have my fingers crossed and the affirmations from intenSATI running through my head, so let's DO THIS!
Actually, I should clarify, I've got to go back to Long Island anyway, but the hope is that will only be for a week or so before I move into another apartment. I'm putting my furniture and everything in storage here in Manhattan, so I am being optimistic about it! We'll see, though.
Regardless, this weekend I went up to Connecticut to visit with Mel's family, which was an incredible and much needed break from the city. As I said, I've been thinking about suburbia and moving home and I was starting to look forward to it (a bit!) just for the nature and my parent's pool and whatnot - so this little trip actually came at a wonderful time.
I always forget how needed it is to get out of the city every once in awhile. I think I really need to remember that in the future, maybe once a month or so - just to get a refresher.
Anyway, the weekend was awesome, I absolutely adore her family. I always eat a ton when I go to their house, but the food is so delicious and healthy and they're always very accommodating of my food preferences so that's amazing. And I just love the contrast between their home and mine in terms of food - not to say one is better than the other, but it is mind blowing how different our family's attitudes are. Mel once said to me that in her house food is love, and I can see that. In my house.... I am not sure. To my mom, food is calories. To me, food is delicious. It's interesting to compare and contrast the attitudes, for sure.
I did some baking this past weekend for the party, which I haven't done in forever, and that felt really good. I find it sort of meditative to do food prep and bake, and I have so much fun trying out new recipes. This one was Coconut Lime cupcakes, and they were pretty impressive. I honestly wasn't a huge fan of them, but everyone seemed to love them, and I got major props from the vegans who were at the party (they were vegan cupcakes - from "Vegan Cupcakes Take Over The World"). The cake was made with a lot of coconut elements and some lime zest, the frosting was made with lime juice, and then the whole cupcake was topped with shredded coconut. It presented well, at the least!
Anyway, the party was just great and I loved meeting all of their eccentric family members, especially the people I've heard about. Also, one of our friends from school came as well and we hadn't spent a lot of time together previously (just random conversations at parties) so it was really wonderful to finally get a chance to bond. We talked about jobs, life, love (or lack thereof! jeez), and more and it was quite cathartic. Had a lot of fun hanging with Mel and her sister as well, made me miss mine.
Today we went to an Arts Festival, which is always so fulfilling. I kind of fell in love with Connecticut this weekend, how it is very suburban like Long Island, but seemingly so much more cultured. I'm aware that it might just be the parts their family showed me, but it just seems so much... better. Sorry, LI. You know I love you (kind of).
My muscles are still screaming from this crazy exercise class Mel and I did on Friday called IntenSATI. She was able to bring me as a guest to Equinox, and I was seriously intimidated. I thought I was in really good shape from all my yoga and whatnot but NO - these women were insane. I was cracking up the whole class and my mind was racing trying to take in all the different components and my body was failing me on so many levels but it was truly awesome, I swear. It's a mix of dance, aerobics, and chanting affirmations and it is just this crazy mind-body-spirit exercise. They begin with a lecture on a topic, then the intense aerobics, then a sort of meditative series of aerobics.
Basically, I need to go back.
Anyway, I am absolutely exhausted but I hadn't written in a week and wanted to get together a short entry, also do some memory preserving of this past weekend. This week - I am off to the races again. Did some good career talking with everyone this weekend, and am determined to apply more to places that have missions that I really believe in and would feel proud to be a part of - I think that's a great first step to a future career in whatever it happens to be or just a pleasant work environment that will make me feel good about myself and give me opportunities to explore further interests. I was starting to cave into the idea of applying for more film production-y things, but honestly I think it is going to be worth it to hold out. I have my fingers crossed and the affirmations from intenSATI running through my head, so let's DO THIS!
8.02.2010
Chug chug chug (chugging along)
Monday, August 2nd - how in the world did we get here so quickly?
I swear, the year 2010 is going to be a year I look back on for the rest of my life as one of the most remarkable periods of my existence. Possibly the most formative year, yet, if you can believe it - I mean I did just have a childhood and a teenage-dom and all that stuff, but honestly.... if I think back to a year ago, and think about where I was at... let's just say, there's been a lot of change. And what with 2010 starting off with a bang with my first real job job, then befriending all sorts of new people, my first continuous dating experience, my second job that made me want to crawl up in a ball and cry for many hours every night (and sometimes I did), the first time in years my sister and I have been in close quarters for more than a week (and on my territory rather than hers), college graduation, zooming off to Costa Rica and throwing my fate to the Universe, a final month of living in Manhattan with very little obligations (but struggling everyday with the job situation).... it has been a lot.
And through this all, time has been zoom zoom zooming, faster than I've ever experienced. It is terrifying, and mind blowing, and kind of wonderful sometimes as well. I've never been a fan of the whole idea of waiting for something to happen, on being idle until an "event" happens.
Not sure how to articulate this, but - I mean I am not a fan in that, I usually feel that way. I revolve my life around events, I used to say I always needed something to look forward to in the future or I'd be depressed. Now, I have matured a bit (I think that's what this is) and I can find joy in the moment. I mean, it is difficult sometimes, but I've certainly grasped further onto the concept of living in the moment and living for what's happening now rather than the future. And I didn't realize I've grown into this concept until this very moment, writing this paragraph, when I thought about how I used to honestly be annoyed and upset with my life if I didn't have something specific to look forward to (a party, a trip, a whatever). And I think about how I dealt with this feeling back then....
I'm not sure how I dealt. I know one thing I did, a major thing, and that was graduate high school early. I was wishing and waiting and hoping for college to come, and so then, because I could, because I had always been competent and smart and a good student and I knew adults would trust me if I said I was ready, I fenagled my way into going to college an entire year early. And I did go. And I went to one of the top universities in the country, one of the top two for my field.
Honestly, when I think about it, I was so immature my freshman year. I've been so immature throughout all of college, truthfully. I've grown up a ton in the past year, in the past two years, in the past three years - every year, growing and growing and getting better and smarter and adding things to my resume and eventually emerging from all this with a handful of great friends, a couple good stories, and two pieces of paper to prove that everything I did was worth it.
Those two pieces of paper are my resume and my degree, by the way. If you were confused.
Then again, I think about how I've always been incredible hard on myself, and everyone surrounding me has always been incredulous in the moments where I express any feelings of failure or stupidity.
I really appreciate those moments, because they remind me that I'm not the only one in the world who's judging what I'm doing, and sometimes that is my serious own worst enemy. I guess it is because I have really high standards, or at least I'd like to think that's the reason. I mean, to be quite honest, and don't hate me for writing this - I am a privileged white girl who grew up on Long Island with good, upper-middle-class parents and countless opportunities to take lessons, have hobbies, go to private schools, travel abroad, etc. What the fuck am I doing if I don't end up doing something amazing with myself? Throwing that all away like an idiot.
And that is the reason why this jobless period is such a struggle for me. I feel like I'm wasting the opportunities I've had, all the experiences that have led up to this point. I am addicted to adding things onto that paper (not the degree, that's kind of final) and making sure its better than the last and the last and the last. I want my parents to be able to gloat about me, I want to be a trophy friend (not a trophy wife) and sister and person. Something doing Landmark taught me, and probably one of the only things, is that I do really really care about what others think. And I want to be the best, and I want to be right. And I am my worst critic, because I imagine what others are thinking and I base these aspirations on that, rather than what others actually say.
This isn't the worst thing that could be in the world, to be honest, because it gives me my drive and determination.
Something that has really affected me recently, and my trip was a huge part of this, as was the sort of self-absorbed attitude of the film industry as a whole, is this huge desire to make some sort of difference in the rest of the world with myself. Some will scoff at this, isn't that so typical of a recent college graduate? Isn't that why people volunteer and join the peace corps and travel and become lawyers for social justice or whatever the fuck? But, to be quite honest, it is sort of the stereotype. But I don't see a whole lot of it going on around me, at all. Not to say the people I interact with are bad people or blind to the rest of the world or anything - but a sincere desire to contribute, to make a change, to be educated on horrible things happening nationwide or worldwide - there isn't a lot of that.
And I'm guilty of that too, up until recently. And I'm not about to say I've spent the past month of unemployment researching and learning about the environment and animals or whatever that's been on my mind - but it has been on my mind, and I've been doing a bit of reading, and I've been doing a lot of thinking.
I think I'm a good person. I also think I'm meant to help others in some way. I think it is part of my astrological makeup, part of my personality, part of me. But I'm not sure what. I have some ideas, but I have exploring to do, I guess.
Anyway, whine, whine, whine, the point is this job search is driving me to do all sorts of thinking and whining and more thinking and then doing.
This past weekend, I also went apartment hunting in the event that I do find a job, and that is driving me to go even further with all this thinking and whining, because I am busy fantasizing about how awesome it will be to have an apartment in Brooklyn and a job and some potted plants on my rooftop deck.
Throughout this all, I've been a pretty bad yogi as it is, slacking off on my yoga classes and healthy eating. I haven't been particularly unhealthy, but I haven't been super healthy either, and part of this has been social and part of it has been just being plain busy, and part of it just laziness on my part. But I figured I needed a bit of a vacation, and my muscles certainly needed a break anyway. But I'm back on in the game as of NOW, promise.
The flipside of this is I had a pretty great couple of days. I went to work on Friday, which was a lot of fun to be quite honest. It reminded me why I don't want to work in production right now, as I returned home and passed out while reading my e-mails, then because I was too tired ate a burrito from Curly's. Which is all well and good, but that's pretty much what my life dissolves into when I work in production, doing that every night. Not sure how other people deal with it - maybe they are more energetic people? I consider myself to be fairly energetic, but I can't do the 12 hrs/day thing, I guess. Not for me. The day was good though, because my old boss is amazing and always has "Fun Fridays" in her offices. I got to pick up a cake from Cupcake Cafe, which was SO delicious and beautiful, and then we made margaritas later in the day (there is something that I won't find at other jobs, I know...). Another bonus was "Eat, Pray, Love" was having their Set Dec sale, so we went and checked that out. I love Set Dec sales, as they always have a ton of really nice stuff that may or may not be slightly damaged and being sold for like, 5% of the original price. I found some nice floor pillows (I've always wanted floor pillows!) and a set of decorative vases and got the whole lot for very very cheap. So all in all, it was a good work day. Hah! Looking forward to the paycheck I'll get next week.
On Saturday, Andre and I trekked around Brooklyn looking at apartments. We had a lot of fun, though it was very exhausting, and we made a pretty awesome pair. He had set up all the appointments (which is something I'm not a huge fan of doing when it comes to apartments) with very little regard for where the places were, so I figured out the logistics as we went and all in all, it was a successful day. We found two apartments we would have been happy living in, though one that definitely would be amazing. However, I can't sign a lease until I have a job of some sort - if I don't find one soon, I'll be banished to Long Island - so that kind of creates a bit of a hitch in the plan. It'll be okay, though, I think. We're looking for a 3rd roommate so that perhaps the two of them could sign a lease and I can hopefully jump on the bandwagon once a job comes along.
That night almost all of my good friends were in town, so we all went out and had a pretty ridiculous night. I had a lot of fun, and I was just grateful for wonderful friends who will drink with me. I also won the prize for concierge services, as I chose the bar and the place we went to brunch the next day and everyone was super happy with both. So, yay me!
Now, I am back to the daily grind of job hunting as previously mentioned 8345323482 times on this blog. Hey, if anyone reading this gets me a job, you won't have to hear about it anymore! Good deal, right?
My whole philanthropic discussion up there was written with the point that I've started looking on idealist.org for jobs, and actually found quite a few I'd be happy to do. This requires some reworking of my resume to be appropriate and a whole new type of cover letter, but for whatever reason I have a good feeling that this new approach to jobs will lead to something. Fingers crossed, I have 26 days 'til Andre comes back in town and we hopefully sign a lease.
26 days to make my life work! Come on, Universe, play your Costa Rica games and send me some signs!
I swear, the year 2010 is going to be a year I look back on for the rest of my life as one of the most remarkable periods of my existence. Possibly the most formative year, yet, if you can believe it - I mean I did just have a childhood and a teenage-dom and all that stuff, but honestly.... if I think back to a year ago, and think about where I was at... let's just say, there's been a lot of change. And what with 2010 starting off with a bang with my first real job job, then befriending all sorts of new people, my first continuous dating experience, my second job that made me want to crawl up in a ball and cry for many hours every night (and sometimes I did), the first time in years my sister and I have been in close quarters for more than a week (and on my territory rather than hers), college graduation, zooming off to Costa Rica and throwing my fate to the Universe, a final month of living in Manhattan with very little obligations (but struggling everyday with the job situation).... it has been a lot.
And through this all, time has been zoom zoom zooming, faster than I've ever experienced. It is terrifying, and mind blowing, and kind of wonderful sometimes as well. I've never been a fan of the whole idea of waiting for something to happen, on being idle until an "event" happens.
Not sure how to articulate this, but - I mean I am not a fan in that, I usually feel that way. I revolve my life around events, I used to say I always needed something to look forward to in the future or I'd be depressed. Now, I have matured a bit (I think that's what this is) and I can find joy in the moment. I mean, it is difficult sometimes, but I've certainly grasped further onto the concept of living in the moment and living for what's happening now rather than the future. And I didn't realize I've grown into this concept until this very moment, writing this paragraph, when I thought about how I used to honestly be annoyed and upset with my life if I didn't have something specific to look forward to (a party, a trip, a whatever). And I think about how I dealt with this feeling back then....
I'm not sure how I dealt. I know one thing I did, a major thing, and that was graduate high school early. I was wishing and waiting and hoping for college to come, and so then, because I could, because I had always been competent and smart and a good student and I knew adults would trust me if I said I was ready, I fenagled my way into going to college an entire year early. And I did go. And I went to one of the top universities in the country, one of the top two for my field.
Honestly, when I think about it, I was so immature my freshman year. I've been so immature throughout all of college, truthfully. I've grown up a ton in the past year, in the past two years, in the past three years - every year, growing and growing and getting better and smarter and adding things to my resume and eventually emerging from all this with a handful of great friends, a couple good stories, and two pieces of paper to prove that everything I did was worth it.
Those two pieces of paper are my resume and my degree, by the way. If you were confused.
Then again, I think about how I've always been incredible hard on myself, and everyone surrounding me has always been incredulous in the moments where I express any feelings of failure or stupidity.
I really appreciate those moments, because they remind me that I'm not the only one in the world who's judging what I'm doing, and sometimes that is my serious own worst enemy. I guess it is because I have really high standards, or at least I'd like to think that's the reason. I mean, to be quite honest, and don't hate me for writing this - I am a privileged white girl who grew up on Long Island with good, upper-middle-class parents and countless opportunities to take lessons, have hobbies, go to private schools, travel abroad, etc. What the fuck am I doing if I don't end up doing something amazing with myself? Throwing that all away like an idiot.
And that is the reason why this jobless period is such a struggle for me. I feel like I'm wasting the opportunities I've had, all the experiences that have led up to this point. I am addicted to adding things onto that paper (not the degree, that's kind of final) and making sure its better than the last and the last and the last. I want my parents to be able to gloat about me, I want to be a trophy friend (not a trophy wife) and sister and person. Something doing Landmark taught me, and probably one of the only things, is that I do really really care about what others think. And I want to be the best, and I want to be right. And I am my worst critic, because I imagine what others are thinking and I base these aspirations on that, rather than what others actually say.
This isn't the worst thing that could be in the world, to be honest, because it gives me my drive and determination.
Something that has really affected me recently, and my trip was a huge part of this, as was the sort of self-absorbed attitude of the film industry as a whole, is this huge desire to make some sort of difference in the rest of the world with myself. Some will scoff at this, isn't that so typical of a recent college graduate? Isn't that why people volunteer and join the peace corps and travel and become lawyers for social justice or whatever the fuck? But, to be quite honest, it is sort of the stereotype. But I don't see a whole lot of it going on around me, at all. Not to say the people I interact with are bad people or blind to the rest of the world or anything - but a sincere desire to contribute, to make a change, to be educated on horrible things happening nationwide or worldwide - there isn't a lot of that.
And I'm guilty of that too, up until recently. And I'm not about to say I've spent the past month of unemployment researching and learning about the environment and animals or whatever that's been on my mind - but it has been on my mind, and I've been doing a bit of reading, and I've been doing a lot of thinking.
I think I'm a good person. I also think I'm meant to help others in some way. I think it is part of my astrological makeup, part of my personality, part of me. But I'm not sure what. I have some ideas, but I have exploring to do, I guess.
Anyway, whine, whine, whine, the point is this job search is driving me to do all sorts of thinking and whining and more thinking and then doing.
This past weekend, I also went apartment hunting in the event that I do find a job, and that is driving me to go even further with all this thinking and whining, because I am busy fantasizing about how awesome it will be to have an apartment in Brooklyn and a job and some potted plants on my rooftop deck.
Throughout this all, I've been a pretty bad yogi as it is, slacking off on my yoga classes and healthy eating. I haven't been particularly unhealthy, but I haven't been super healthy either, and part of this has been social and part of it has been just being plain busy, and part of it just laziness on my part. But I figured I needed a bit of a vacation, and my muscles certainly needed a break anyway. But I'm back on in the game as of NOW, promise.
The flipside of this is I had a pretty great couple of days. I went to work on Friday, which was a lot of fun to be quite honest. It reminded me why I don't want to work in production right now, as I returned home and passed out while reading my e-mails, then because I was too tired ate a burrito from Curly's. Which is all well and good, but that's pretty much what my life dissolves into when I work in production, doing that every night. Not sure how other people deal with it - maybe they are more energetic people? I consider myself to be fairly energetic, but I can't do the 12 hrs/day thing, I guess. Not for me. The day was good though, because my old boss is amazing and always has "Fun Fridays" in her offices. I got to pick up a cake from Cupcake Cafe, which was SO delicious and beautiful, and then we made margaritas later in the day (there is something that I won't find at other jobs, I know...). Another bonus was "Eat, Pray, Love" was having their Set Dec sale, so we went and checked that out. I love Set Dec sales, as they always have a ton of really nice stuff that may or may not be slightly damaged and being sold for like, 5% of the original price. I found some nice floor pillows (I've always wanted floor pillows!) and a set of decorative vases and got the whole lot for very very cheap. So all in all, it was a good work day. Hah! Looking forward to the paycheck I'll get next week.
On Saturday, Andre and I trekked around Brooklyn looking at apartments. We had a lot of fun, though it was very exhausting, and we made a pretty awesome pair. He had set up all the appointments (which is something I'm not a huge fan of doing when it comes to apartments) with very little regard for where the places were, so I figured out the logistics as we went and all in all, it was a successful day. We found two apartments we would have been happy living in, though one that definitely would be amazing. However, I can't sign a lease until I have a job of some sort - if I don't find one soon, I'll be banished to Long Island - so that kind of creates a bit of a hitch in the plan. It'll be okay, though, I think. We're looking for a 3rd roommate so that perhaps the two of them could sign a lease and I can hopefully jump on the bandwagon once a job comes along.
That night almost all of my good friends were in town, so we all went out and had a pretty ridiculous night. I had a lot of fun, and I was just grateful for wonderful friends who will drink with me. I also won the prize for concierge services, as I chose the bar and the place we went to brunch the next day and everyone was super happy with both. So, yay me!
Now, I am back to the daily grind of job hunting as previously mentioned 8345323482 times on this blog. Hey, if anyone reading this gets me a job, you won't have to hear about it anymore! Good deal, right?
My whole philanthropic discussion up there was written with the point that I've started looking on idealist.org for jobs, and actually found quite a few I'd be happy to do. This requires some reworking of my resume to be appropriate and a whole new type of cover letter, but for whatever reason I have a good feeling that this new approach to jobs will lead to something. Fingers crossed, I have 26 days 'til Andre comes back in town and we hopefully sign a lease.
26 days to make my life work! Come on, Universe, play your Costa Rica games and send me some signs!
7.29.2010
Things to do when you're (f)unemployed
Things I have done:
Yes that's right people! I am employed, for a day. Do I get to add this to my resume? Can I add the part where my old boss BBM'd me saying she's already told the whole office how awesome I am? And the part where I'm mainly super excited because I get to go back to the soundstage where all the guards are hilarious and call me "Meryl"?
In other news, I am super stressed because I am supposed to look at apartments this weekend but at this point there is pretty much zero way how I will afford to live in an apartment past August 20th. Mmhmm. But I am trying to enjoy my (f)unemployment, because ideally, I will hopefully have a real salary job, not a film production job, where I won't get these long breaks anymore and will be on the 2-weeks-vacation train instead. To be honest, the benefits of a salary and health insurance and the whole concept of having a life outside of work would make that completely worth it to me. Because I didn't have any of those things when I was working in production, and that did not make me happy.
In yoga news, I gave myself a break yesterday because my muscles were really unhappy with all the working out I've been doing. Today I'm gonna go to a Foundations class at Sankalpah and see if I can work on my basic yoga poses for a bit to improve the rest of my practice. I am kind of excited by this concept, and hope it kind of shines a light on certain habits I have or ways I can improve. More on this probably tomorrow!
- Read books in the park
- Watch dogs in the park
- Buy pastels and a sketchbook and randomly make art according to your mood
- Browse bookstores looking longingly at the new books and thinking about the stack of books you haven't read yet sitting on your floor at home
- Read more books in the park
- Laundry!
- Wait 9 hours to get tickets for Shakespeare in the Park, pass out for 2 hours, watch Al Pacino for 3 hours whilst extremely exhausted
- Cook more extensively than you have in the past 6 months
- Actually buy groceries and prepare all your meals for a week rather than eat out
- Be SUPER good and make a big recipe on Sunday that you eat for dinner all week! Who am I?!
- Go for happy hour drinks with people who are employed and have total excuses to be kind of tipsy at 6pm even though you do NOT
- And along those lines, take advantage of all the $3 drink specials in NYC. What is this magical number and why have I never known about it before??
- And then also sort of along those lines, go out for drinks with other unemployed people and feel mildly ashamed when you meet guys at the bar and they start asking about your life. Trump feelings of shame with mild gloating about how you work in the film industry and it is so normal to have periods of unemployment, that's just the renegade lifestyle we lead! [Even if you're basically trying not to have that lifestyle anymore]
- Write poetry and long journal entries
- Actually upload the 600+ pictures you took in Costa Rica, e-mail them to all the people you met there
- Walk ridiculously long distances because what else would you be doing? 50th & 8th Ave to 20th & 1st? Why the hell not?
- Entertain your parents for the day with the NY Transit Museum, walking across the Brooklyn Bridge and Restaurant Week dinner at Megu. Try to appreciate their spastic nature and kind words about your job prospects.
- Play phone tag with your sister who is traipsing around Europe, finally get her on the phone and spend the whole time wallowing in your jealousy of her life
- Do extensive research about free events and volunteer opportunities in NYC and make lists of onces you want to take advantage of. Wait patiently until those events roll around.
- Go see your friend's experimental show where you will pay a dollar to be blindfolded and led through a series of rooms where you'll experience sensations that are supposed to be reiminscent of The Odyssey (I am doing this tonight. I am kind of scared.)
- Write in your blog! Meta!
- Yoga. Lots of yoga. Think long and hard about the way you do yoga and the effect it has on your life and what more you can derive from your practice in regards to your mind, body, and soul.
- Research and make lists of all the classes you want to take once you have a salary and have paid back your parents for your travels to CR and you know, your student loans and rent and food and stuff.
- Finally figure out how to sell my severely damaged laptop that has been hangin' in the corner of my room for a couple of months. Big chunk of money coming my way! Very exciting. (By big, I mean less than a weekly paycheck from my last job, but all things are relative these days)
- Drag your butt to Pilates on a Sunday morning with your ex-boss and complain to her about your lack of love life and lack of work over brunch immediately after, even though you know she'd hire you in a second
- Finally cave and agree to work for a day on a TV show because WHAT THE HELL you need the money anyway. And maybe you'll meet some cool people. And you're pretty much bored out of your mind and need a little bit of cash so you can continue to eat.
Yes that's right people! I am employed, for a day. Do I get to add this to my resume? Can I add the part where my old boss BBM'd me saying she's already told the whole office how awesome I am? And the part where I'm mainly super excited because I get to go back to the soundstage where all the guards are hilarious and call me "Meryl"?
In other news, I am super stressed because I am supposed to look at apartments this weekend but at this point there is pretty much zero way how I will afford to live in an apartment past August 20th. Mmhmm. But I am trying to enjoy my (f)unemployment, because ideally, I will hopefully have a real salary job, not a film production job, where I won't get these long breaks anymore and will be on the 2-weeks-vacation train instead. To be honest, the benefits of a salary and health insurance and the whole concept of having a life outside of work would make that completely worth it to me. Because I didn't have any of those things when I was working in production, and that did not make me happy.
In yoga news, I gave myself a break yesterday because my muscles were really unhappy with all the working out I've been doing. Today I'm gonna go to a Foundations class at Sankalpah and see if I can work on my basic yoga poses for a bit to improve the rest of my practice. I am kind of excited by this concept, and hope it kind of shines a light on certain habits I have or ways I can improve. More on this probably tomorrow!
7.28.2010
Offering up your Yoga
I've been toying a lot with the idea of offering up my yoga practice to something.
There has been mention of this over the years, by certain yoga teachers or articles I read, or whatever. Very often a teacher will begin a class by asking you to set an intention. Prior to my yoga retreat experience, I recall having a bit of a hard time setting an intention. Or rather, not a hard time, but kind of a really basic and simplified method of choosing an intention. To the point that my intentions were kind of stupid, if you will (or at least that's how I feel in retrospect). I guess it's unfair to myself to call them stupid, but they were juvenile and shallow and things like "Ok, I'm gonna really focus on STRETCHING this class" or "Ok, I will try to remember to BREATHE". I guess these are proper intentions, and good physical practices, but I think I was missing the overall point, the part where yoga becomes more than just a physical thing and delves into the spiritual.
Somewhere within my first couple classes at Pura Vida, I chose a really basic intention/mantra, but I think it was really valuable. It was "Be receptive and be strong." I sort of chanted this to myself whenever I was having a tough moment in my yoga practice there, or whenever a teacher would come over to me and adjust me. So often I am inclined to argue with someone who adjusts me, and I mean that in a figurative sense, not just yoga. I like to be right and I hate to be wrong, so if someone corrects me or adjusts me in any capacity, I sort of swiftly give myself an excuse or an argument in my brain. I'm not an argumentative person, and I won't usually put it out there in the universe, but in my head I'm giving myself a reasoning so that I was right anyway and the other person is just naive to my rightness.
This time around though, I tried to really give myself over to my teachers and admit to myself that they knew more than me and were going to be right no matter what. So I was open to their adjustments, and through that I learned quite a bit about myself. One thing being that I am chronic hyperextender (not a real word) in my joints, and that is probably what's leading to all my crazy alignment problems in my hips, and etc. etc. and basically I am just being LAZY because at my first yoga class I was like, "Ooh! I am bendy! I am flexible! I can almost do a split!' and have banked on that throughout all my classes since, and now that I'm aware of this issue I just keep realizing how fucking laaaaazy I am and just adding a slight microbend to every joint is making my muscle soooooooo sore because I'm actually using them this time around.
Wow, this post was about offering up a yoga practice to someone, wasn't it?
I guess the point is that a lot of good can come from setting an intention. And sometimes yoga teachers will specify that you should think of someone who needs something in their life, or someone you feel you've been false with, or something along those lines. I've often heard those words during a yoga class and a couple of specific people popped in my head right away (for the sake of the people that read this blog, I won't be specific) and I've thought of those people throughout the rest of a yoga class and whatnot. But I'm not sure if it was ever genuine before, for some reason I think it was on a more shallow level as well (along the same lines as my intentions evolving), where I was simply thinking about that person.
In "Eat, Pray, Love", Liz Gilbert ends up doing some offering of her own, but in the context of a meditation practice. She kind of talks about giving herself over to that moment and thinking really fully about that person and what they need and what she wants to give to them and the love she has for them etc. etc. and then she often talks about the aftermath and what comes from that practice offering. And while I'm enjoying the book, sometimes things seem a little prepackaged and perfect, how they work out for her, and how actual tangible things come from her prayers or thoughts. But because I'm in this sort of open and receptive (ooh, full circle) mindset, I'm trying to believe that if I am genuine in my offerings, maybe things will come my way as well. Or, if you take a more rational and not so crunchy approach, coincidences will happen and I'll connect them and get all excited and continue to live my life in my crunchy way because it makes me happy.
On Saturday, in Cristy's class, she asked us to offer up our yoga practice that afternoon to the teachers in our lives. We did some chanting re: that subject (not that we really knew what we were chanting, but I'm told it had to do with teachers) and then some meditating on it as well. She talked about thanking any teacher in our life, including those hidden teachers, maybe even those we've had negative experiences with - anyone that we learned something from. For a variety of reasons that may or may not include an idiotic text message that I received at 4 AM the night before after two months of silence, the main person popping into my head was my ex-something of recent months. So, against all rational thoughts in my mind, I chose to thank him throughout my practice. I really focused on the things I've gained from that mess of an experience during that hour and a half, and I tried to identify specific improvements I've made that stem from that. It was difficult, but I came up with a few. And it was a great class. And I was really sincere and genuine in my thoughts.
Now, I'm not sure if this has anything to do with it, and I guess it is actually sort of embarrassing after I spent an hour and a half sending out "thank you" vibes to him, but we ended up in an all-out-text-message-brawl that night. HOWEVER, I would like to say that I had the last word in that brawl, and it felt really good to send that message (which I will NOT transcribe on this blog), and to be really really quite honest, I feel totally and completely at peace with that situation. I SWEAR!
And maybe that has something to do with my offering to him.
Or maybe not. You can decide.
But I am going to keep trying to be genuine in these offerings.
On a more serious note, yesterday's yoga class I decided to focus on my job hunt, or the job hunting gods, or something like that. I was about to run out the door to a sure-to-be-small class at Sankalpah, but I was a tiny bit late due to job hunting, and I was stressed and I just realized I did not really want a serious yoga practice that day. Or to be one of a few in a class, or to chant or anything. Maybe this makes me a bad yogini, but I was just being honest with myself. So I decided to chill out for another hour so, continue applying to jobs, then head over to Yoga to the People where I could disappear in the back of the class and push myself as much as I felt like in the moment. So I did that, and I despite what I expected to happen, I actually had a pretty intense class. I really tried to go deep in the poses, lower in my warriors and more stretched into my side bends and twists.
And throughout I kind of kept telling myself to endure and to be strong and to breathe and I would get through it. And at the same time, I kept telling myself - if I can do this, then I can endure and get through this job hunt. And if I emerge victorious from this yoga class, then I'll emerge victorious with a job. Right? Right?
It helped. A lot. Lying in pigeon pose, I thought of my post about hip openers the other day, and about the pain and emotions that are held in our hips, and how I've been so frustrated with trying to find a job and just stressed about my apartment situation and whatnot, and I actually found myself getting super emotional, more than I have ever in pigeon pose. I came out of it pretty soon after because I couldn't really stand it, but the other side was easier, and I just focused on the breathing and focused on the job hunt and the fact that I know I'll get through it somehow, and before I knew it that side was over.
So I emerged from that class feeling pretty positive about it all. It remains to be seen if anything comes from it, but we'll see. And I'm going to keep experimenting with this idea, because it's interesting and it doesn't hurt anyone, right? That is, unless you're my ex-something. But that's just a whole other story.
There has been mention of this over the years, by certain yoga teachers or articles I read, or whatever. Very often a teacher will begin a class by asking you to set an intention. Prior to my yoga retreat experience, I recall having a bit of a hard time setting an intention. Or rather, not a hard time, but kind of a really basic and simplified method of choosing an intention. To the point that my intentions were kind of stupid, if you will (or at least that's how I feel in retrospect). I guess it's unfair to myself to call them stupid, but they were juvenile and shallow and things like "Ok, I'm gonna really focus on STRETCHING this class" or "Ok, I will try to remember to BREATHE". I guess these are proper intentions, and good physical practices, but I think I was missing the overall point, the part where yoga becomes more than just a physical thing and delves into the spiritual.
Somewhere within my first couple classes at Pura Vida, I chose a really basic intention/mantra, but I think it was really valuable. It was "Be receptive and be strong." I sort of chanted this to myself whenever I was having a tough moment in my yoga practice there, or whenever a teacher would come over to me and adjust me. So often I am inclined to argue with someone who adjusts me, and I mean that in a figurative sense, not just yoga. I like to be right and I hate to be wrong, so if someone corrects me or adjusts me in any capacity, I sort of swiftly give myself an excuse or an argument in my brain. I'm not an argumentative person, and I won't usually put it out there in the universe, but in my head I'm giving myself a reasoning so that I was right anyway and the other person is just naive to my rightness.
This time around though, I tried to really give myself over to my teachers and admit to myself that they knew more than me and were going to be right no matter what. So I was open to their adjustments, and through that I learned quite a bit about myself. One thing being that I am chronic hyperextender (not a real word) in my joints, and that is probably what's leading to all my crazy alignment problems in my hips, and etc. etc. and basically I am just being LAZY because at my first yoga class I was like, "Ooh! I am bendy! I am flexible! I can almost do a split!' and have banked on that throughout all my classes since, and now that I'm aware of this issue I just keep realizing how fucking laaaaazy I am and just adding a slight microbend to every joint is making my muscle soooooooo sore because I'm actually using them this time around.
Wow, this post was about offering up a yoga practice to someone, wasn't it?
I guess the point is that a lot of good can come from setting an intention. And sometimes yoga teachers will specify that you should think of someone who needs something in their life, or someone you feel you've been false with, or something along those lines. I've often heard those words during a yoga class and a couple of specific people popped in my head right away (for the sake of the people that read this blog, I won't be specific) and I've thought of those people throughout the rest of a yoga class and whatnot. But I'm not sure if it was ever genuine before, for some reason I think it was on a more shallow level as well (along the same lines as my intentions evolving), where I was simply thinking about that person.
In "Eat, Pray, Love", Liz Gilbert ends up doing some offering of her own, but in the context of a meditation practice. She kind of talks about giving herself over to that moment and thinking really fully about that person and what they need and what she wants to give to them and the love she has for them etc. etc. and then she often talks about the aftermath and what comes from that practice offering. And while I'm enjoying the book, sometimes things seem a little prepackaged and perfect, how they work out for her, and how actual tangible things come from her prayers or thoughts. But because I'm in this sort of open and receptive (ooh, full circle) mindset, I'm trying to believe that if I am genuine in my offerings, maybe things will come my way as well. Or, if you take a more rational and not so crunchy approach, coincidences will happen and I'll connect them and get all excited and continue to live my life in my crunchy way because it makes me happy.
On Saturday, in Cristy's class, she asked us to offer up our yoga practice that afternoon to the teachers in our lives. We did some chanting re: that subject (not that we really knew what we were chanting, but I'm told it had to do with teachers) and then some meditating on it as well. She talked about thanking any teacher in our life, including those hidden teachers, maybe even those we've had negative experiences with - anyone that we learned something from. For a variety of reasons that may or may not include an idiotic text message that I received at 4 AM the night before after two months of silence, the main person popping into my head was my ex-something of recent months. So, against all rational thoughts in my mind, I chose to thank him throughout my practice. I really focused on the things I've gained from that mess of an experience during that hour and a half, and I tried to identify specific improvements I've made that stem from that. It was difficult, but I came up with a few. And it was a great class. And I was really sincere and genuine in my thoughts.
Now, I'm not sure if this has anything to do with it, and I guess it is actually sort of embarrassing after I spent an hour and a half sending out "thank you" vibes to him, but we ended up in an all-out-text-message-brawl that night. HOWEVER, I would like to say that I had the last word in that brawl, and it felt really good to send that message (which I will NOT transcribe on this blog), and to be really really quite honest, I feel totally and completely at peace with that situation. I SWEAR!
And maybe that has something to do with my offering to him.
Or maybe not. You can decide.
But I am going to keep trying to be genuine in these offerings.
On a more serious note, yesterday's yoga class I decided to focus on my job hunt, or the job hunting gods, or something like that. I was about to run out the door to a sure-to-be-small class at Sankalpah, but I was a tiny bit late due to job hunting, and I was stressed and I just realized I did not really want a serious yoga practice that day. Or to be one of a few in a class, or to chant or anything. Maybe this makes me a bad yogini, but I was just being honest with myself. So I decided to chill out for another hour so, continue applying to jobs, then head over to Yoga to the People where I could disappear in the back of the class and push myself as much as I felt like in the moment. So I did that, and I despite what I expected to happen, I actually had a pretty intense class. I really tried to go deep in the poses, lower in my warriors and more stretched into my side bends and twists.
And throughout I kind of kept telling myself to endure and to be strong and to breathe and I would get through it. And at the same time, I kept telling myself - if I can do this, then I can endure and get through this job hunt. And if I emerge victorious from this yoga class, then I'll emerge victorious with a job. Right? Right?
It helped. A lot. Lying in pigeon pose, I thought of my post about hip openers the other day, and about the pain and emotions that are held in our hips, and how I've been so frustrated with trying to find a job and just stressed about my apartment situation and whatnot, and I actually found myself getting super emotional, more than I have ever in pigeon pose. I came out of it pretty soon after because I couldn't really stand it, but the other side was easier, and I just focused on the breathing and focused on the job hunt and the fact that I know I'll get through it somehow, and before I knew it that side was over.
So I emerged from that class feeling pretty positive about it all. It remains to be seen if anything comes from it, but we'll see. And I'm going to keep experimenting with this idea, because it's interesting and it doesn't hurt anyone, right? That is, unless you're my ex-something. But that's just a whole other story.
7.26.2010
Creating Yourself
Well, that yoga class from yesterday certainly kicked my butt. As did the Pilates class I dragged my ass to this morning! I am so sore, all I want to do is lie in bed.
I could barely get through the class, my muscles were screaming so much... I wanted to start Pilates as sort of cross training. I know that I am super lazy when it comes to my abs/stomach/core in real life and in yoga, and I figured going to class where I'm reminded every 5 minutes to suck it in will help with that.
Well, it definitely will help. But it was torture today!
It was actually quite the interesting experience as well, because of the difference in breathing techniques and the whole "draw your navel in as close to your spine" sort of thing, definitely worked out my brain as well trying to remember to do all the pilates-specific actions.
I suppose it was against my better judgment to drag myself to class when I was kind of sort of hungover and on only about 4.5 hours of sleep, but you know. I'm trying to be really good about my workouts and everything, so at least it was a better choice than sleeping in then gorging myself on Ess-A-Bagel (the amazing bagel place basically less than 2 minutes from my apartment) while lying in the park, that exact sequence of events being something I have done many many many Sundays.
I ended up going with my former boss to Mimi's Hummus for brunch after class, where we had a delicious meal. I got sunny side up eggs with swiss chard and tomatoes, a tabouleh salad with whole wheat pita bread, and beets as a side. I am so in love with food, I can't even tell you. I am so jealous of Liz Gilbert in "Eat, Pray, Love" when she's in Italy gorging herself on all the amazing pizza and pasta and all that. I've recently been feeling a reignited desire to cook and bake and experiment with food, and I've been toying with the idea of cooking classes in the back of my head.
I have so many ambitions and things I want to explore, it is kind of ridiculous. And I am very all over the place about these ambitions, forgetting them one day then instantly being reminded and having an aching desire for several days, until I kind of forget again. But the same standards stick around for awhile.
Here's a list of things I'd really like to pursue over the next several months/year or so:
Partner Dancing Lessons (Swing/Tango/Salsa - I love them all!)
Regular Dance Classes (Lady Gaga class at Broadway Bodies this Fall!)
Aerial Silks Class
Cooking Classes - especially Knife Skills
TEFL/TESOL Course
Yoga Teacher Training
Volunteering at BARC Shelter
Joining a Food Co-Op
Volunteering at one of the rooftop farms in NYC
Joining a book club (and reading more in the process!)
Being on a ZogSports team
And that's about all I can think of for now. I guess the first step is getting a job so I can start paying back my student loans and have the money for all this!
That's actually a huge part of my life right now, the job hunt. I've been applying for anything I can possible find that fits my skill set and is somewhat relevant to my degree and that I don't think I would hate. I'm really confident about my resume and cover letter and past work experience, but I've only had one interview (that I haven't heard back from yet - maybe I will hear this week). I have been lucky enough to find job opportunities that I'd be thrilled to have - but no word back yet, which is sort of frustrating. I found a listing on craigslist to be a full time dog walker, and I think I may apply for that just to tide myself over until I find something in my field. It would be good exercise, I love dogs, and... it would be a job. So we'll see, we'll see.
I'm struggling a lot with identifying what I actually want to do with myself these days, and while I have clearly identified certain things - like pursuing yoga seriously, for example - I'm just having a hard time identifying all the different components of my life that I'd like to have, and of the ones I have identified, how it will all jive together and whatnot. I've been really focused on this quote recently:
I like that.
Another quote I've been focused on is this...
This is all sort of making me think of some of the things we studied in my Theater & Therapy class I took a couple years back, and the whole notion of spontaneity. Some theorists in Drama Therapy write or talk often about the concept of a child's spontaneity. A child doesn't have those social rules ingrained in them in anyway yet, they are natural and pure and without any "mucking up" from the world around them. Some exercises in Drama Therapy are geared towards returning to that state of mind, where you are able to act as soon as a thought pops into your head. Improv is based on this, sort of. I wrote an extensive paper back then about my hang ups in regards to Improv, and how I hated it and felt extreme pressure when in an "Improv" situation because I was constantly censoring my thoughts and acts and whatnot, and how this theory could probably work really well on me but it sort of terrified me in a way. I remember my professor scrawled across my paper "Everything you think is perfect! Don't get caught up in those thoughts!" and gave me some sort of awesome grade. The paper was more extensive than I just described, and it was probably one of my favorite papers I ever wrote in college (the other being about Annie Sprinkle, the performance artist who once was a prostitute/porn star).
Remembering this now, I feel a little bit like I conquered those demons. Or, I took a big step towards conquering them. I'm still learning, after all.... I think that's all life really is. A learning experience.
And that's all for this Sunday Night. :)
I could barely get through the class, my muscles were screaming so much... I wanted to start Pilates as sort of cross training. I know that I am super lazy when it comes to my abs/stomach/core in real life and in yoga, and I figured going to class where I'm reminded every 5 minutes to suck it in will help with that.
Well, it definitely will help. But it was torture today!
It was actually quite the interesting experience as well, because of the difference in breathing techniques and the whole "draw your navel in as close to your spine" sort of thing, definitely worked out my brain as well trying to remember to do all the pilates-specific actions.
I suppose it was against my better judgment to drag myself to class when I was kind of sort of hungover and on only about 4.5 hours of sleep, but you know. I'm trying to be really good about my workouts and everything, so at least it was a better choice than sleeping in then gorging myself on Ess-A-Bagel (the amazing bagel place basically less than 2 minutes from my apartment) while lying in the park, that exact sequence of events being something I have done many many many Sundays.
I ended up going with my former boss to Mimi's Hummus for brunch after class, where we had a delicious meal. I got sunny side up eggs with swiss chard and tomatoes, a tabouleh salad with whole wheat pita bread, and beets as a side. I am so in love with food, I can't even tell you. I am so jealous of Liz Gilbert in "Eat, Pray, Love" when she's in Italy gorging herself on all the amazing pizza and pasta and all that. I've recently been feeling a reignited desire to cook and bake and experiment with food, and I've been toying with the idea of cooking classes in the back of my head.
I have so many ambitions and things I want to explore, it is kind of ridiculous. And I am very all over the place about these ambitions, forgetting them one day then instantly being reminded and having an aching desire for several days, until I kind of forget again. But the same standards stick around for awhile.
Here's a list of things I'd really like to pursue over the next several months/year or so:
Partner Dancing Lessons (Swing/Tango/Salsa - I love them all!)
Regular Dance Classes (Lady Gaga class at Broadway Bodies this Fall!)
Aerial Silks Class
Cooking Classes - especially Knife Skills
TEFL/TESOL Course
Yoga Teacher Training
Volunteering at BARC Shelter
Joining a Food Co-Op
Volunteering at one of the rooftop farms in NYC
Joining a book club (and reading more in the process!)
Being on a ZogSports team
And that's about all I can think of for now. I guess the first step is getting a job so I can start paying back my student loans and have the money for all this!
That's actually a huge part of my life right now, the job hunt. I've been applying for anything I can possible find that fits my skill set and is somewhat relevant to my degree and that I don't think I would hate. I'm really confident about my resume and cover letter and past work experience, but I've only had one interview (that I haven't heard back from yet - maybe I will hear this week). I have been lucky enough to find job opportunities that I'd be thrilled to have - but no word back yet, which is sort of frustrating. I found a listing on craigslist to be a full time dog walker, and I think I may apply for that just to tide myself over until I find something in my field. It would be good exercise, I love dogs, and... it would be a job. So we'll see, we'll see.
I'm struggling a lot with identifying what I actually want to do with myself these days, and while I have clearly identified certain things - like pursuing yoga seriously, for example - I'm just having a hard time identifying all the different components of my life that I'd like to have, and of the ones I have identified, how it will all jive together and whatnot. I've been really focused on this quote recently:
Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. [George Bernard Shaw]This is something no one has ever said to me, and somehow I never saw this quote until very recently, maybe about a week or so ago when I was at The Strand. It was on a card, and I immediately bought the card just so I could have it to stand up on my desk and look at. This is a notion that never crossed my mind, honestly. I was really caught up in this strange feeling that I didn't know myself, I didn't feel like myself, how was I going to figure out what I was meant to do, if I didn't know myself? etc. etc. Super caught up in trying to identify myself. Little did I know that if we go by this quote, that is impossible. Instead, I needed to be focused on who I wanted myself to be. This may sound silly, but this is a completely revolutionary and inspirational thought for me. I guess I am sort of inclined to believe that things like astrology and your parents and your life experiences have shaped you. Meanwhile, there is this idea that you can change anything about you because you are creating you and you are your creation.
I like that.
Another quote I've been focused on is this...
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. [Gandhi]I'm not sure how to articulate my feelings on this one, besides the fact that I'm really trying to strive towards that aligned moment that the quote is referring to as harmony. I think I really felt this while I was in Costa Rica, if only because since I was by myself and no one around me had any expectations or anything, and I didn't have any expectations of myself or my plans, I was able to just live and be in the moment. There were zero pretenses or outside forces at work, so when a thought popped in my head, I would say it or I would do it. And, interestingly enough, I felt like "myself" more than ever in those moments. And even more interestingly, once I was cleared of worry about what others would be thinking of me or if what I was saying or doing was correct or appropriate or whatever, I found people were drawn to me even moreso than I think they would have been if I was acting in my normal social situation way (which is not to say I put on a act or anything, I am just referring to the sort of normal (or at least I assume it is normal) thoughts that pass quickly through your mind in a social situation - the nuances of who you're interacting with and in what environment and whatnot). I met the most incredible people in Costa Rica, everywhere I went. I struck up conversations and bonded with people on bathroom lines, on buses, in hostel rooms, at my volunteer projects, at yoga classes, etc. etc. And that happened, I believe, because of that extreme lack of pretense.
This is all sort of making me think of some of the things we studied in my Theater & Therapy class I took a couple years back, and the whole notion of spontaneity. Some theorists in Drama Therapy write or talk often about the concept of a child's spontaneity. A child doesn't have those social rules ingrained in them in anyway yet, they are natural and pure and without any "mucking up" from the world around them. Some exercises in Drama Therapy are geared towards returning to that state of mind, where you are able to act as soon as a thought pops into your head. Improv is based on this, sort of. I wrote an extensive paper back then about my hang ups in regards to Improv, and how I hated it and felt extreme pressure when in an "Improv" situation because I was constantly censoring my thoughts and acts and whatnot, and how this theory could probably work really well on me but it sort of terrified me in a way. I remember my professor scrawled across my paper "Everything you think is perfect! Don't get caught up in those thoughts!" and gave me some sort of awesome grade. The paper was more extensive than I just described, and it was probably one of my favorite papers I ever wrote in college (the other being about Annie Sprinkle, the performance artist who once was a prostitute/porn star).
Remembering this now, I feel a little bit like I conquered those demons. Or, I took a big step towards conquering them. I'm still learning, after all.... I think that's all life really is. A learning experience.
And that's all for this Sunday Night. :)
7.24.2010
Your Own Caregiver
Happy Saturday!
I just got home from a marathon Trader Joe's shopping excursion, where I ended up chatting with my cashier and finding out she had just moved to New York to pursue media production and I gave her all sorts of advice and tried to pass on good karma. I also bought a ton of produce and healthy things that will hopefully last me through the week - I'm trying to be really good about groceries and eating out these days. Before I went to Costa Rica, I was eating out for practically every meal except breakfast (and sometimes that too!) and that wasn't great for my wallet or body - even though there are amazing vegan/vegetarian food options everywhere in NYC and I love to take advantage of them. I'm trying to teach myself that they are for special occasions only, and I think I've been doing pretty good so far... of course, there are social events, but I'm trying to make those few and far between.
Before TJ's, I went to a late afternoon class at Sankalpah, one of my favorite studios I've tried in the city. I had Cristy as a teacher, and she was absolutely great. The class ended up being just me and another student, which is always an amazing blessing in terms of yoga classes. I first began taking yoga seriously when I started going to a studio on Long Island where the classes were sometimes just me, and at most maybe 6 or 7 of us. Before that, I was turned off by the shoulder-to-shoulder practice at Yoga to the People (though I do love YTTP still for a great power yoga workout - if you wanna sweat it out for cheap, this is the place to go. Good to work on flexibility as well because of the heat) and never really felt comfortable in my poses. The one-on-one attention I got at Yen Jen Yoga, my first real yoga studio (I'd link to the site but it is now shut down! :( ) really inspired me and pushed me to my limit. I finally saw what my body could do, and I became kind of addicted. That was a really cool style of yoga, basically like Hot Vinyasa. We practiced in the heat, though I don't think it was as heated as a classic Bikram Studio, and we did flow sequences with a bit of Bikram mixed in (but not the parts I hate! I really am not a fan of typical Bikram for whatever reason).
Anyway, so I'm a huge fan of the small yoga class, and it is SO rare to find that here in NYC. Sankalpah is the only studio I have found where that's happened, and I love it. Cristy was a new teacher for me, and she was great. I spoke with her afterwards and she mentioned training at Jivamukti, Laughing Lotus, and the Omega Institute, the first two I've actually been to in the past. Just in passing conversation, I asked her about how she morphs her technique for the studio with all those different trainings in the past, and I was really surprise to hear that she essentially doesn't. She said she has never been to Isaac's class (he's the founder/main teacher at Sankalpah) and just does what works for her. I guess maybe she was hired because of a similar mentality, or maybe (because Isaac also began at Jivamukti, I think), it has to do with the foundation of the teachers. I was surprised because I've found that Sankalpah has great teachers and of course each class is unique, but there are some of same ideas seemingly flowing through the various classes. Maybe I am just fabricating that in my head....
In my mind, Sankalpah is a great vinyasa flow studio, without the basic vinyasa sequence. All the poses flow together, there are plenty of down dogs and up dogs and all that but there is always an element of surprise, always a couple of poses thrown in the class that challenge your flexibility and if you took a second to think about it, you might think you couldn't do it, but then you do it, and it is awesome! That's my favorite sort of pose in a yoga class, because it sort of plays to my strengths (flexibility) but kind of blows my mind at the same time. Also, most of the time, those sorts of poses feel awesome!
I think Sankalpah may be where I end up doing a teacher training course, but I haven't made any decisions and I don't know if I am ready to do a training in the fall or if I should wait until Spring. I have a ten class pack, so I'm gonna keep attending classes there and see how I feel. I'd also like to get over to the Integral Yoga Institute sometime this week, and eventually I'd love to check out Om Yoga and Sonic Yoga as well.
So many yoga studios, so little time!
I wanted to make this post about hip openers, but I got off on a bit of a tangent. So here are some quick thoughts on hips:
Apparently we hold a lot of emotions in our hips, and hip opening poses help stretch those and shake those out. The way your hips feel can change remarkably class to class, and in my opinion, the stretches hurt (in a good way) the most when emotions have been on the rise/heavy. But clearly, those are the best times for them. I love hip opening poses, mainly because I have very open hips and they come relatively easily to me, but I can't tell you how much it varies from practice to practice. Sometimes when I'm lying in pigeon I want to cry there's so much tension - sometimes I feel bored and ready to do double pigeon. I firmly believe that little tidbit that so many yoga teachers impart - we hold our emotions there.
I just did a google search and happened upon some really interesting info on this. Here's a paragraph from this site, that I find to be a really useful and inspirational explanation. I'll leave you with this:
I just got home from a marathon Trader Joe's shopping excursion, where I ended up chatting with my cashier and finding out she had just moved to New York to pursue media production and I gave her all sorts of advice and tried to pass on good karma. I also bought a ton of produce and healthy things that will hopefully last me through the week - I'm trying to be really good about groceries and eating out these days. Before I went to Costa Rica, I was eating out for practically every meal except breakfast (and sometimes that too!) and that wasn't great for my wallet or body - even though there are amazing vegan/vegetarian food options everywhere in NYC and I love to take advantage of them. I'm trying to teach myself that they are for special occasions only, and I think I've been doing pretty good so far... of course, there are social events, but I'm trying to make those few and far between.
Before TJ's, I went to a late afternoon class at Sankalpah, one of my favorite studios I've tried in the city. I had Cristy as a teacher, and she was absolutely great. The class ended up being just me and another student, which is always an amazing blessing in terms of yoga classes. I first began taking yoga seriously when I started going to a studio on Long Island where the classes were sometimes just me, and at most maybe 6 or 7 of us. Before that, I was turned off by the shoulder-to-shoulder practice at Yoga to the People (though I do love YTTP still for a great power yoga workout - if you wanna sweat it out for cheap, this is the place to go. Good to work on flexibility as well because of the heat) and never really felt comfortable in my poses. The one-on-one attention I got at Yen Jen Yoga, my first real yoga studio (I'd link to the site but it is now shut down! :( ) really inspired me and pushed me to my limit. I finally saw what my body could do, and I became kind of addicted. That was a really cool style of yoga, basically like Hot Vinyasa. We practiced in the heat, though I don't think it was as heated as a classic Bikram Studio, and we did flow sequences with a bit of Bikram mixed in (but not the parts I hate! I really am not a fan of typical Bikram for whatever reason).
Anyway, so I'm a huge fan of the small yoga class, and it is SO rare to find that here in NYC. Sankalpah is the only studio I have found where that's happened, and I love it. Cristy was a new teacher for me, and she was great. I spoke with her afterwards and she mentioned training at Jivamukti, Laughing Lotus, and the Omega Institute, the first two I've actually been to in the past. Just in passing conversation, I asked her about how she morphs her technique for the studio with all those different trainings in the past, and I was really surprise to hear that she essentially doesn't. She said she has never been to Isaac's class (he's the founder/main teacher at Sankalpah) and just does what works for her. I guess maybe she was hired because of a similar mentality, or maybe (because Isaac also began at Jivamukti, I think), it has to do with the foundation of the teachers. I was surprised because I've found that Sankalpah has great teachers and of course each class is unique, but there are some of same ideas seemingly flowing through the various classes. Maybe I am just fabricating that in my head....
In my mind, Sankalpah is a great vinyasa flow studio, without the basic vinyasa sequence. All the poses flow together, there are plenty of down dogs and up dogs and all that but there is always an element of surprise, always a couple of poses thrown in the class that challenge your flexibility and if you took a second to think about it, you might think you couldn't do it, but then you do it, and it is awesome! That's my favorite sort of pose in a yoga class, because it sort of plays to my strengths (flexibility) but kind of blows my mind at the same time. Also, most of the time, those sorts of poses feel awesome!
I think Sankalpah may be where I end up doing a teacher training course, but I haven't made any decisions and I don't know if I am ready to do a training in the fall or if I should wait until Spring. I have a ten class pack, so I'm gonna keep attending classes there and see how I feel. I'd also like to get over to the Integral Yoga Institute sometime this week, and eventually I'd love to check out Om Yoga and Sonic Yoga as well.
So many yoga studios, so little time!
I wanted to make this post about hip openers, but I got off on a bit of a tangent. So here are some quick thoughts on hips:
Apparently we hold a lot of emotions in our hips, and hip opening poses help stretch those and shake those out. The way your hips feel can change remarkably class to class, and in my opinion, the stretches hurt (in a good way) the most when emotions have been on the rise/heavy. But clearly, those are the best times for them. I love hip opening poses, mainly because I have very open hips and they come relatively easily to me, but I can't tell you how much it varies from practice to practice. Sometimes when I'm lying in pigeon I want to cry there's so much tension - sometimes I feel bored and ready to do double pigeon. I firmly believe that little tidbit that so many yoga teachers impart - we hold our emotions there.
I just did a google search and happened upon some really interesting info on this. Here's a paragraph from this site, that I find to be a really useful and inspirational explanation. I'll leave you with this:
Hip openers have the notorious reputation of evoking deep emotions. We store a lot of emotion in our hips, typically emotions like depression, anger, anxiety and fear. Physically, our hips are large joints that provide us with stability. They are surrounded by muscles on all sides. They are attached to the back, abdomen, hamstrings, quadriceps, abductors and adductors, and gluteal muscles. We are very protective of our hips because they guard our sexual organs. Our hips have a wide range of motion and can be affected by a number of different poses. When we practice specific hip opening asanas like Half Pigeon/Full Pigeon, or a Low Lunge, or better yet, Frog pose, we are bound to release tension (emotions) from those areas. Following a hip opening intensive class, you may find yourself to be sad and irritable. This is actually a sign that the yoga is working for you. The asanas do not create emotions, they help bring emotions to the surface. Once you are able to recognize and accept your emotions, you are one step closer to being able to deal with them. This can be a scary proposition for some people. When we are placed in a stressful situation, we tend to go into a ‘fight of flight’ mode. In yoga, it is possible to go into a ‘fight’ mode. But outside of coming out of the pose and walking out of the room, there is no real ‘flight’. Luckily for us, yoga is a safe place for us to deal with things. The emotions are all just part of the process. The empowering thing about yoga is that it you have it in yourself to be your own caregiver.
7.23.2010
Bienvenido!
Hello!
I am so proud of myself that I finally got this blog together. I've been meaning to do so for awhile, but I kept taking care of other things first and putting it off, until finally....
What bring me here at this exact moment? The fact that I am ill and cannot practice yoga, funnily enough. I am stuck in my apartment warding off a weird sore throat/sneezy cold while it absolutely POURS outside, guzzling down a green smoothie.
It is actually quite a shame that it's raining, because my parents are supposed to come into the city today and my mom had a great plan all worked out that involved walking around Brooklyn Heights and checking out a neighborhood where she used to live. Now, I guess the plan will be modified, which is just as well because in my sickly state I'm not sure how well I could handle all the walking.
So I've started this blog, mainly because I've wanted a real, live, well-written, often read blog for a long time. I haven't really had a specific topic in mind, and I've haphazardly created personal life blogs or secret poetry blogs or travel blogs, but never stuck with them for too long. Several weeks ago, I booked a 4 week trip to Costa Rica with very little plans on my way, and ended up backpacking all over the country and extending it to 5 weeks and having an amazing time. I did this because I was feeling directionless, unfocused, uncentered, and uninspired.
[As an aside, I finally decided to read "Eat, Pray, Love" this week, and I am a little dismayed that I am not the only one who took a hedonistic journey and wrote about it on the way. I am also angry that everyone I know is mocking me for reading this book. I clearly relate, okay? Even if I thought I was solo in this idea, and the first to decide to write about it, and she had a book deal before she even wrote about it, and I guess her problems were much greater because they involved divorce and serious depression and clearly she traveled more than me, and then there gets to be a movie about her journey as well starring Julia Roberts and etc. etc.]
Anyway, I kept both an actual journal and a travel blog throughout the trip, and I found it incredibly comforting and mind-clearing to write about everything that happened. And a lot happened. I really felt the universe at work throughout the trip, sending me people and signs and experiences to confirm or erase thoughts or ideas I had. Fears and doubts would cross my mind only briefly before something new and exciting came and changed my perspective.
One main theme of the trip was yoga. I was lucky enough to spend my first week at Pura Vida Spa & Retreat Center, doing their Mind, Body & Spirit program. What that essentially meant was that we did yoga twice a day, ate delicious vegetarian meals, took a couple of day trips and had some fun activities like aerial silks class or salsa dancing, and had plenty of opportunity to experience body work with amazing people (personally, I did a deep tissue massage, reflexology/reiki treatment, ear candling, an ayurvedic consultation, and this fascinating thing called bodytalk). That sort of set the tone for my trip, and then as I continued throughout Costa Rica, I was able to take a couple other classes in various places and met a ton of yogis on my journeys. Costa Rica is a pretty yogic place, I guess.
All of this, and all my discussions with the yogis and yoginis I met on my way, sort of highlighted a major fact for me. I feel my absolute best when I am pursuing a yogic lifestyle. I feel amazing post-yoga, I love cooking and eating healthily, I am fascinated (and intimidated!) by true yogi spirits, and I want to know more and more about the whole lifestyle. I can't identify any feeling I have felt that is better than lying in savasana after a solid, physically exerting but also spiritually rich yoga class.
So now, here I am, back in NYC. Trying to get the career part of my life together - I am a fairly recent college graduate (Dec '09) - and I had been working in film production for awhile, but I'm trying to branch out otherwise. But I think a really important part of my life that I do not want to let go of is the yoga part. So I've made a commitment to really pursue yoga seriously, in all my spare hours. That means classes several times a week, seriously studying the methods of the various studios and teachers I experience, hopefully reading some books that are out there on the subject, and just doing a lot of thinking and analyzing as to whether perhaps yoga is something I want to pursue as a career. For the moment, I need to pay the bills doing something I got my degree in, but I want time to explore that side of me, and I want to incorporate it into all aspects of my life eventually.
So here is this blog. This blog will be about me, of course, and probably there will be some entries that are lacking in yoga entirely. After all, I am a young 20-something living in NYC, some would say the center of the universe. Sometimes exciting or interesting things happen to me. Sometimes my life is so boring and mundane I want to kill myself. But I hope that this blog will overwhelmingly aide me in my journey to becoming a true yogini, and I hope that I will be able to bring some people along with me on the ride.
Thanks for coming, I hope you stay awhile!
I am so proud of myself that I finally got this blog together. I've been meaning to do so for awhile, but I kept taking care of other things first and putting it off, until finally....
What bring me here at this exact moment? The fact that I am ill and cannot practice yoga, funnily enough. I am stuck in my apartment warding off a weird sore throat/sneezy cold while it absolutely POURS outside, guzzling down a green smoothie.
It is actually quite a shame that it's raining, because my parents are supposed to come into the city today and my mom had a great plan all worked out that involved walking around Brooklyn Heights and checking out a neighborhood where she used to live. Now, I guess the plan will be modified, which is just as well because in my sickly state I'm not sure how well I could handle all the walking.
So I've started this blog, mainly because I've wanted a real, live, well-written, often read blog for a long time. I haven't really had a specific topic in mind, and I've haphazardly created personal life blogs or secret poetry blogs or travel blogs, but never stuck with them for too long. Several weeks ago, I booked a 4 week trip to Costa Rica with very little plans on my way, and ended up backpacking all over the country and extending it to 5 weeks and having an amazing time. I did this because I was feeling directionless, unfocused, uncentered, and uninspired.
[As an aside, I finally decided to read "Eat, Pray, Love" this week, and I am a little dismayed that I am not the only one who took a hedonistic journey and wrote about it on the way. I am also angry that everyone I know is mocking me for reading this book. I clearly relate, okay? Even if I thought I was solo in this idea, and the first to decide to write about it, and she had a book deal before she even wrote about it, and I guess her problems were much greater because they involved divorce and serious depression and clearly she traveled more than me, and then there gets to be a movie about her journey as well starring Julia Roberts and etc. etc.]
Anyway, I kept both an actual journal and a travel blog throughout the trip, and I found it incredibly comforting and mind-clearing to write about everything that happened. And a lot happened. I really felt the universe at work throughout the trip, sending me people and signs and experiences to confirm or erase thoughts or ideas I had. Fears and doubts would cross my mind only briefly before something new and exciting came and changed my perspective.
One main theme of the trip was yoga. I was lucky enough to spend my first week at Pura Vida Spa & Retreat Center, doing their Mind, Body & Spirit program. What that essentially meant was that we did yoga twice a day, ate delicious vegetarian meals, took a couple of day trips and had some fun activities like aerial silks class or salsa dancing, and had plenty of opportunity to experience body work with amazing people (personally, I did a deep tissue massage, reflexology/reiki treatment, ear candling, an ayurvedic consultation, and this fascinating thing called bodytalk). That sort of set the tone for my trip, and then as I continued throughout Costa Rica, I was able to take a couple other classes in various places and met a ton of yogis on my journeys. Costa Rica is a pretty yogic place, I guess.
All of this, and all my discussions with the yogis and yoginis I met on my way, sort of highlighted a major fact for me. I feel my absolute best when I am pursuing a yogic lifestyle. I feel amazing post-yoga, I love cooking and eating healthily, I am fascinated (and intimidated!) by true yogi spirits, and I want to know more and more about the whole lifestyle. I can't identify any feeling I have felt that is better than lying in savasana after a solid, physically exerting but also spiritually rich yoga class.
So now, here I am, back in NYC. Trying to get the career part of my life together - I am a fairly recent college graduate (Dec '09) - and I had been working in film production for awhile, but I'm trying to branch out otherwise. But I think a really important part of my life that I do not want to let go of is the yoga part. So I've made a commitment to really pursue yoga seriously, in all my spare hours. That means classes several times a week, seriously studying the methods of the various studios and teachers I experience, hopefully reading some books that are out there on the subject, and just doing a lot of thinking and analyzing as to whether perhaps yoga is something I want to pursue as a career. For the moment, I need to pay the bills doing something I got my degree in, but I want time to explore that side of me, and I want to incorporate it into all aspects of my life eventually.
So here is this blog. This blog will be about me, of course, and probably there will be some entries that are lacking in yoga entirely. After all, I am a young 20-something living in NYC, some would say the center of the universe. Sometimes exciting or interesting things happen to me. Sometimes my life is so boring and mundane I want to kill myself. But I hope that this blog will overwhelmingly aide me in my journey to becoming a true yogini, and I hope that I will be able to bring some people along with me on the ride.
Thanks for coming, I hope you stay awhile!
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